My husband's dreaming about my friend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My husband has been having sexual fantasies. I realize that that is not abnormal, but they involve me and him and another woman who happens to be my friend. He has not admitted openly who, and says he really doesn't want me to know, but he gave me a hint of who. I am very sure of who it is, she is my friend, and someone he was interested in before we got together.

I feel very inadequate, I am almost 5 months pregnant for our second child, feel huge, and angry. My friend is the perfect size 2 with no apparent flaws. How do I stop feeling jealous and inadequate; why is he having these dreams...every week? I know that he loves me, but he has always expressed sexual interest in my friend, and her body compared to mine. The fact that she is the one, with us, in the dream makes me feel compared to, and I absolutely HATE that. Advice
I agree that your husband chose a bad time to reveal these dreams, when you were already feeling vulnerable. And that while fantasies are healthy, fantasizing too much about people you actually know can damage existing relationships because you start to lose track of reality vs fantasy. While it's normal for him to think "That friend looks really nice tonight," for him to actively spend time fantasizing about her can be very destructive. He should really refocus his fantasies on a model, or someone else not in your sphere. He might not 'understand' that if you told him, but it might be worth talking to a priest / minister / therapist about, even if it's just under the guise of a 'dealing with our new family' talk.

But separate from all of that is the issue of you feeling 'badly' about being largely pregnant. You're SUPPOSED to be large when you're pregnant! You have a baby growing in you, a new life. This is something that *thousands* of women dream about and that many fight for years to achieve. You are the perfect shape of fertility, one that many, many cultures have celebrated in statues and paintings. It could be very likely that your stick-thin friend looks at you and dreams about being like you, full of life, bringing a new baby into the world, and feels barren, hollow, and empty in comparison.

Tiny and thin are what MTV drills into our head as the desired shape. But many, many people in the world have other desired shapes in mind, and the pregnant woman is one of the most beautiful shapes on the planet. You're not pregnant forever, you only have this growing life in you for a few months out of your entire lifetime. So you should really savor it. Be PROUD of this shape you are in, the shape that every one of your female ancestors was in. You are doing something that science can't do, you are bringing a new human being into the world. Have a professional photographer take a picture of you now. Really. Have him show you just how gorgeous you are, round and full of life. I bet it's a picture your child will treasure once they're old enough to understand it.

Yes, your husband should look at what he's been doing and try to get a more grounded, healthy attitude towards things. But that's only half of the issue. The *real* part of the issue is that you somehow feel you're "less" in a competition with this string-bean. Which is NOT TRUE. Physical shape is about the least important thing about a person, and out of all the shapes a person can be in, being full of life is one of THE most beautiful ones. So really, please, think about that. TREASURE your shape now. Get a photo taken. The most important thing a person can have is a love for what they are, and right now, you're a mom to be (and a mom too!). Cherish that.

-- from Jenn
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