After two weeks of meeting her I knew that I wanted to be with her forever.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male

I feel very hurt and confused right now. I have dated the love of my life for a total of five of six years since I met her. After two weeks of meeting her I knew that I wanted to be with her forever. I know this sounds foolish, but I am absolutely sure of it.

She and I got engaged 12/22/03. She was pushing somewhat before that date to do so and it finally made sense to me so I did it. However, roughly six months later she says she is not ready to marry at the time we had decided on, and she needs an indeterminate amount of time to herself.

I know I am to leave her alone, but it is hard to do so. I will list some facts for you guys to sift through to see if you can make sense of what is going on. Any help on this issue would be greatly appreciated.

The facts:

1. She is worried about getting into Med School and I am worried about getting a job as a recently graduated electrical engineer.
2. It seemed that we just did boring things together and we introduced alot of negativity into each other's life due to our high stress levels, and we never counterbalanced it with fun activities.
3. She wants time to herself, and she told me to pursue anything I see fit in the time away. In terms of jobs, possible grad school, ect. ect. She even said if I met someone new she would have to learn to deal with it.
4. She has said she still loves me, and she said she does plan to get married to me, but I mean this could be as soon as we planned or years later. I have no idea.
5. We do have communications problems, mainly due to her inability to discuss our problems. She now has a journal and has let me read a weeks worth of entries, but I am afraid this will stop in the future.

I really have given up alot for her. I have forgone a great deal of opportunity (going to great graduate schools) in order to get a job to help us through our proposed marriage. I am extremely hurt and worried that she will string me along, and/or find someone else in her "time for herself". I am doing my best to become somewhat scarce. I think we should talk at least once a week to keep each other "in the loop". Please advise me on this problem. I cannot bear the pain of her not being in my life. In a large part my happiness is a strong function of me being able to make her happy. She means the world to me. I am not a very religious person, but in her I can see God. Advice
You are a very caring and loving person. She would be lucky to have you. Now, it's just a matter of getting her to realize it.

There is no easy solution to this. I strongly recommend convincing her to go to counselling with you to work on these issues. It sounds like it's a tough time for both of you, stress over school and work taking over. It's not unusual for relationships to take a nosedive in such times.

Don't panic right now though. People always change their minds about leaving relationships and she may very well come around to wanting to be with you again. You just need to be there when she does.

good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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