I am a college graduate that wants to do more with my life
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend is a twenty six year old father of a 10 and 8 year old. I took this on out of my own willing, but now, (he has no GED) I am a college graduate that wants to do more with my life than babysitt. We are immulsed in a custody battle with his ex--who is a drug addict and horrible woman, and it is all of my own doing. I have put up this fight, and I am slowly but surely gaining that his children be given to him, though I know in my heart that without me, he cannot be a good parent. I am 21 years old, and am dumbfounded. Not only am I now raising his children, dealing with my restraining order against his insane ex-girlfriend, going to graduate school, etc... but I dont even like him anymore. He says things, mild insults if you will, that I hate, and I get upset, and he throws 2 year old temper tantrums. Also--he can be so mean to his children, grabbing their faces to tell them what to do, smacking them on their butt if they "don't listen" and I hate it. It does not happen when I am there, and I know that I am their savior. I am lost. I have sex with him because I dont want him to throw a tantrum and get pissy. I hate this. I am a good person, and the people that he is associated with (his ex mostly) have turned me (at times) into somebody I am not.
This story is so very much longer, and I feel that this synopsis does not tell what I need for it to, but this is what I have to give to a website, a synopsis. Not even lawyers will hear me, regarding the children anyway. I AM ONLY STILL HERE FOR THEM. Please, anyone who can give HONEST advice, help?
I know what you are going through. I married a man who had sole custody of his 4 yr old triplets. I was 20, he was 31. His ex- is a drug-using alcoholic who was completely useless and only gave us grief. He is a hard worker and worked long hours every day. He would come home and play on his computer, because he was tired after working all day long, which left me watching the kids all evening too. We had a son together, so I was raising 4 kids by myself the majority of the time. I started working when the kids were in kindergarten, and still would care for them all evening because he was too tired after his work, nevermind I was now working too. This went on for 11 years and then I finally got a divorce. I still loved him, I still loved the kids, but I was so exhausted I found myself considering suicide as a relief from all the pressure. So I left. It was the only choice for me.
You are facing a very difficult situation, and it would help if you could find some counselling to work through the anger and frustration you are (rightly!) feeling. Things seem to be snowballing into harder times when you deserve to be getting a better life. You need to ask yourself some tough questions and deal with some harsh realities. You know how on the airlines, they always say to put the oxygen mask over your own face before you help the kids? That's how it works in life --- you can only help others after you yourself are taken care of. Otherwise you are getting into a psychic debt that you can't afford.
These are not your children.
You have to take care of yourself.
If you can repeat those two phrases to yourself every day five times a day, then you will come to a better realization of what you need to do for yourself. It may come to you leaving him and them and getting social services involved to take care of the kids. They are paid to do it. You are throwing your life into a situation where you are miserable and you are sacrificing everything for the sake of two children. That is amazingly admirable, but it requires you to kill yourself to do it... which will only lead to misery for everyone. I'm not qualified to tell you what to do, I can only say that I know what you're going through since I was in a similar situation. And I strongly suggest counselling so that you have a weekly outlet for discussing these feelings that you have, because bottling them up will cause you to self-destruct quicker.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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