His Energies are Elsewhere
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
This is embarressing. My husband of five years has a habit that I think may be a little perverted. When I mention to him that a pretty girl found him attractive, if someone flirts with him, or if he hears something sexual about a woman - he masterbates almost immediately. He will actually excuse himself to go do it. Once he started right in front of me and I thought we were going to have sex. He asked me to leave (he's never lived that one down).
Anyway, I'm the one whose down now - I feel like I am competing for his sexual attention. I have a healthy sex drive and he will turn me down if he's taken care of himself. Is this normal behavior for a 40 yr old man? Please help. Thanks for your time and sensitivity in this matter.
Well, take solace in that you're not alone. This is a not uncommon problem, especially with older men. The issue is that they fall into a rut. They're used to getting pleasure on their own when they are aroused. If you do something that arouses them, you're doing half the work. They don't have to arouse themselves. Then they just get to go 'have fun' in the way they're used to.
However, now YOU are in the picture and when you're a couple one of the things you expect to do is have fun together. And how his energies that he spends on his own are energies that COULD have spent on you but aren't. So yes, this is very frustrating. You need to break him in slowly. It's a training process.
When he's aroused, you have to remind him that YOU are there too and that arousal can bring you both pleasure. Make it a thing you both do together which is very fun. Don't make it a bad thing that he's aroused, that'll cause all sorts of problems. Make it a fun thing, that it's GREAT that he's aroused because now you both can enjoy yourselves. It'll take a while - he's probably had this mentality for many years - but you should be able to eventually get him to equate arousal with you-two-fun instead of just me-alone-fun.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com