We had fun, but now he stays away
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I met this guy at work that I totally hit it off with. Before we ever talked I noticed him staring at me and checking me out, not in a disrespectful way though. The first time we ever talked I felt sparks flying (not to be cheesy but you can feel that chemistry). Anyhow, we work on a different team and he doesn't sit very close to me. From that day on he kept coming over to my desk to talk. We developed a friendship and one day I worked up the courage to ask him if he wanted to go for a drink after work. By this point we had been talking on a regular basis for about a month.
Well he replied back to my email saying that he would love to go but he had to tell me something. Than he continued to go on about how he recently got involved in a relationship. So even though I was pretty bummed I decided to save face and still go out with him. Plus he was really persistant about me not backing down. We went out to dinner and had drinks for about 3 hours. Of course, I had an amazing time which didn't make it any easier to move on.
We continued to talk for the next three weeks and he still seemed really interested even though he had given me boundaries. After I had some time off for Thanksgiving I came back to work and now he never talks to me. He cut me off completely. He still says Hi but he hasn't come over or make any effort to talk to me.
I respect his decision to keep his distance but I wish he could be up front with me as to why we no longer talk. Is this something I should confront him about or should I continue to give him space? I really do enjoy his company and want to maintain a friendship. Why do guys do things like this? It makes no sense.
Actually it makes a lot of sense. He has a lot of respect for the relationship he's in already (with the other woman), and he sensed that he was starting to care seriously for you. Since he is in love with his partner and respects that relationship, he does not want to jeapordize it by growing even more fond of you. And since he cannot spend time with you without becoming fonder and fonder of you, he has taken the only action he could to preserve his core relationship with his partner.
There's no way to really say to him "we can just be friends" if he is indeed falling for you. Becuase he *can't* just be friends. And anything more serious might harm his relationship with his partner who is supposed to be the primary interest in his life. He might start spending evenings talking to you, and going out with you, and neglecting her, and it could damage or destroy his relationship with his partner.
That all being said, you still might want to talk with him just to say at least that you miss spending time with him. Maybe there's a way that you could spend just some small time together so you enjoy each other's company without it damaging his other relationship. But if he really does feel strongly about you, it might not be possible. Even that small amount of time might be a strong lure for him to not take care of his current partner properly. If that's the case, it might be wise to ease off and just be there for him. He has to keep or reject his other relationship on his own, on the basis of how that particular relationship works.
If his other relationship breaks up on its own, then I'm sure he will come to you. But if somehow you 'break them up' even if not meaning to, that'll always be a crack in your relationship with him. He'll always think of you as the one that broke him off with the other girl, and if you ever fight or anything, he'll wish you didn't and blame you for it. Which is a really bad way to base a relationship.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com