My boyfriend is going out on doubledates - with his ex!

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now and we practically live together. I see him every night and we are always together on the weekends. We still got out and do seperate things with our friends, but for the most part we are together 24/7. He's from another country and speaks great english. However, more than 50% of his friends (whom I get along with very well) are from his country and they always speak this other language. He will translate for me if it gets intense. I don't mind because its usually just a sentence or two and they never make me feel uncomfortable. However, he's been going out with this group for years and so he has "group nights" alone with them. I was okay with this until I realized it was actually not a "group". It apparently was a married couple (from that country) and his ex-girlfriend (whom he admits he's still attracted to, but doesn't want to be with). I am sure that he doesn't want to resume his relationship with her but I still don't like the situation. Now I am uncomfortable, because to me group dynamics would imply that they "couple off" when they go out. This ex of his also still calls him and when he talks to her he speaks in his other language, although she speaks English very well. So, I have decided to learn the language. I am adept at languages and thought this would be a good way to get closer to him. However, when I approached the idea with him, he said I should only try if I am doing it for myself!!! Of course it's not for myself, its for both of us. We are very close and get along incredibly, so what does it mean when he says that?? Also, am I just being unreasonable for not wanting him to go out with the group again unless they expand their numbers? I am so confused.... Advice
I think that learning his language is a great idea! It will only bring you closer together, and if you have kids, you would be able to raise them bilingually, which would be a great benefit to them.

Now about the other pieces, I understand your insecurity over the group outing where it's basically two couples. I think that unless he gives you some reason to think there's more going on, that you let it go. He's with you, not with his ex, and that's for a reason. That he can be friends with her after their relationship has ended means he has a very healthy attitude toward relationships, which is a bonus for you.

Trust him and trust in the relationship to go smoothly. Have faith that everything will work out for the best and it probably will.

Good luck with this!

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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