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Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. --Ursula K. LeGuin



a long distance relationship



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Hi there,

First of all I would like to thank you for all the great advice that you are giving out and hopefully you can help me out too!

Here's my situation:

I am 21 years old and I am involved in a long distance relationship with a 20 years old girl. We have been together for 2 years 1/2 and things have been awesome. I was her first boyfriend, her first sexual experience, pretty much her first everything. She is a very hard to approach gal especially when it comes to sex - she regards sex as a very intimate thing that shouldn't be shared with anyone. Furthermore, she is quite a grumpy person..that is with everyone except me: she is definetely distant and 'cold' with other people but has always shown me nothing but love. All the time she tells me that I am the only guy that truly got to her heart and usually she is very nice with me. Even though we are more than 14 hours apart, we talk daily on the phone for more than one hour and that does not include e-mails, SMS, IM's etc. We are pretty much in the other's head all day long and we visit each other every 2-3 months and then we spend at least 1 month together except for summer when it's 4 months. Pretty much everyone thinks that we'll get married and we both know that's where we are heading.

Phew..now the hard part. Recently, my girl changed. This actually also happened last year around the same time - spring. She started going out, she made 3 new girl-friends and they go out all the time, go to clubs, bars, etc. Usually while we are apart, she does go out but never for like 2 weeks in a row. Anyways, coincidently she also changes her whole mindset. She no longer feels the 'need' to talk as much as before, she completely changed views on things ( ie. would never wear revealing clothes before but now she does ), she wants all the guys to look at her, etc. I do realize that these are 'normal' things that any gal wishes especially if they are good looking ( and she is ) but I can't help not be insecure. It's as if she is part of a whole new world and doesn't want me to be part of it. This is obviously accentuated by the fact that we are long distance. Another factor is that these days, when I talk to her she's always caught in between things and never talks to me like before - recall that distant/cold tone..well she's now using that on me. I confronted her about this and she says that I'm exagerating and that she still loves me more than anything. I have pointed out to her that she has changed and she's not the same..while I still am. In any case, she says that her life is too agitated for her to take a moment and slow down and be with me as before. Just as if now she's living this fast paced life and I am somewhere slowing her down. Well, I don't like feeling unwanted and this is exactly how she makes me feel. Make no mistake, she goes crazy only if I mention that we should take some time apart or as I once proposed, to part our ways. She argues that I had my time to have fun and go out with friends and she never did and that I should understand her.

Well, she is right about this..and I am trying really hard but why can't I ? All that I really want is for her to show me her love as before AND go out and have fun. We only talk like 1h-2h max a day and she has all the rest for herself. I don't want to restrict her into going out or anything. Yet, she can't do it. She said that she can't feel all 'loving' and tender towards me while also being crazy with her girl-friends... I just don't get this. Anyways, after our last fight I told her I'd rather not talk to her until we meet (in about 1 week) and one of her friends called me to tell me that she's crying and she also sent me lots of messages. She claims I don't understand her and want to forbid her having fun...ugh

Anyways, pretty much the same thing happened last year and when we got together things were awesome. Get this... when she's with me, she all of a sudden re-discovers how great I am and forgets about her friends.. I am sure this will happen again this time, but this whole process and immaturity drives me insane. I have literally tied my hands to my body as to not call her and tell her I love her and I never intend to leave her..but some part of me tells me that if I am more distant maybe she'll come closer ?

Am I right or am I just being ridiculous and my actions will only drive her away ? Please advise since literally, our lives depend on this! :)

Thanks a million




RomanceClass.com Advice
You're in a tough situation. Any long distance relationship is bound to have its downtimes, and you're certainly facing one now. All you can do is what you've done before, weather through it until you're face to face and she falls in love with you again.

Have faith that the excitement of going out every night will wear off. There's only so much of that you can do before it becomes really old. Let her sow her wild oats and then return to you. She's said numerous ways that she cares about you and wants to be with you so have faith in it.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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