We moved in, our sex life suffered
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. We were living about 2 hours away for the first half of our relationship, and then decided to move in together. Everything went well for the first few months, and then he told me that he isn't sure that he was ready to move in with someone. He said it's not moving in with me, but moving in with someone in a relationship, in general.
Since then, our sex life has deteriorated tremendously. I don't know what to do to make him want to make love to me. Or what to think about our relationship. He is the kind of person who doesn't really talk about his feelings. Can you help?
This is really common. And you can't make him want you without addressing the cause of his stress. People want sex when they're happy and not stressed. If he's stressing about your relationship and situation, he's not going to be in the mood. So you have to fix the cause.
It could very well be that when you were dating, your relationship was "fun". But now that you're living together, it's about chores and dealing with the cranky side of each other, which is normal but much less fun. It could also be that now that you're living together, he's feeling the pressure to get engaged to you and he isn't ready for that. So even if you haven't said anything about it, he could "assume" that's the next step and be stressing about that.
You need to sit down with him. A relationship is based on honesty and communication. If you don't talk this through it will just get worse and pull you apart. Be open and supportive. Ask him what in particular is bothering him. Don't judge him, just listen. It's how he feels even if it seems irrational to you. To help him, maybe mention one or two things that strike you as difficult. Don't phrase it as "you always do this wrong!" But say "We seem to have trouble working out chores so we're both happy with who does what." Phrase things as "we together are having an issue with XXXX" so that you get the sense that together you can find a solution.
Hopefully once you get into the discussion and he sees you are open to hearing and working on criticism, he'll bring up the things that bother him. Once they're revealed, you can work on them. But you have to talk about them first. And if you can't even talk about them, that's not a good sign for working through any problems. So get talking first.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com