His pot smoking came between us

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was going out with a guy for about 4 months, we got along great, we had lots in common, enjoyed alot of the same things.

We worked at the same company, and one day we had a little spat, so he called sick into work- he left nice messages on my answering machine for the next 2 days- I went to his house and he wouldn't answer the door, as I found out, he wouldn't answer the door for anyone. Well eventually he left a note with flowers on my door- and said he has fallen in love with me, and that it scares him- but he said we needed to "slow down" a little.- We ended up going out and having a good time-

well then a few weeks later he pulled the same thing- and wouldn't answer his door- he would leave messages on my answering machine, and left a note on my door, and he said he was looking for jobs- and that was his priority at that time. In the mean time I went to his house and I was going to leave a note on his door, but I had no pen- so I looked in his car(the one he doesn't drive) I opend the glove conpartment- and found a little container w/ some "pot" seeds in it.

When I finally got to talk to him again, I questioned him about it, when was the last time he smoked it- and he said about one year ago- I didn't say anything- but I was putting together that maybe this is what he was doing when he wouldn't talk to me or anyone else. We ended up having an arguement about pot- and he stuck up for it, and I didn't believe in it, but actaully I was more upset that he wasn't honest about it. I know he waw probably afraid to be honest with me, because of what me reaction might be, so I am not really blaming him. He said he wished I could be more open-minded about it.

Well about a month later he left me. I found out from a mutual friend that he was afraid I was going to find out about his "smoking"- so he couldn't be himself around me- but that he still loved me, but it would cause arguments.- I still truely love this guy, and I would accept him how he is- but I don't know how to talk to him about it- to make hime understand that I would accept him. Please help!

RomanceClass.com Advice
I won't get into the pot issue. There are people who say it's quite harmless, and others who point out to the mental harm it can cause. Most kids try pot in high school, but most adults give it up. It's like smoking or heavy drinking - it can be fun when you're a kid, but when you're an adult and thinking about living healthily and being there for your family, you usually start to focus on taking better care of yourself.

In any case, whether with him it was heavy drinking or pot or smoking or anything else, if it was a part of him and he wanted a relationship with you, he needed to be honest with you about it and then work through a solution. You can't just hide that part of you. Relationships are about communication and about being honest with each other. Important things should NEVER be communicated through notes or email. It's sort of admitting that the relationship isn't strong enough to handle a face to face discussion. You need to build up that ability to talk through issues if you're going to survive the normal relationship ups and downs.

You can say you understand his fear of your reaction - but we're just talking about pot here. If he can't even talk to you about this, what happens when other more serious issues come up? He's always going to be afraid of telling you, and then lie about them, which is a really bad habit to be in. He has to take responsibility for what he does, face up to it and then talk to you about it. If anything, this is a minor trial run of confrontation that he's failed. And it's time to get things back on track if you want the relationship to work going forward.

So arrange a time to sit down with him. Explain that you can work through issues like smoking pot - but issues about him actively lying to you and hiding parts of his life from you are much more serious. Find out if he thinks he can be fully honest with you going forward, even if it's difficult. Nobody said dating was easy. It involves work and honesty. But if he is willing to commit to that, then you can create something truly beautiful together.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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