When is it across the line?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have recently found out my husband has put a personal add on one of those dating things on the internet. In the past I have cought him making calls to 1-900 sex numbers and looking at tons of porn. We have discused this many time. He feels like he is doing nothing wrong that all men are just curious that way. O.k. but after I have told him over and over that it hurts me he continues to do it.
I found where he had but a peronal add online. Everying he said he was looking for was the oposite of me. He said he did not have kids and unsure if he wanted them. We have 2 He said not married and made comments on how he loves women's bodies of evershape and size. I am thinking I am going to have to leave him because he is obviously not satisfied with me. I am completely satisfied with him and I would never even think of doing such things. Please help. Is this cheating or just flirting with cheating. Who knows what all he is chating about with these women. He watches them undress on there webcams and types in things for them to do. To me it is cheating. I just know it is going to be hard on my children. I do love him but I can't continue to be hurt.
Please respond. ASAP
You certainly have a tough situation on your hands, and one that will take a lot of counselling to work through, because this is a hard problem. If he won't go with you, and it sounds like he might be the sort to reject it, then you should look into going for yourself to get a handle on this. I was married for 10 years and have four kids, I know what it's like to try to keep a marriage and family together.
Some people (both men and women) look at the online world as a fantasy arena where their real lives don't matter. They are in a Virtual World where reality doesn't affect anything. But he should have reeled himself back in the minute you said you were hurt by it. Since he hasn't, it shows me that he's thinking only of himself and that's not a healthy thing. And no, not all men are curious like this... some maybe, but he should have more care for your feelings than he is. Curiosity ends when another person's feelings are being trampled on.
My personal opinion, and it's only my opinion, is that if there's sexual interest in another, then that's just one step away from cheating because it's so hurtful to the partner. I think he's crossed the line by putting himself out on dating sites. If he can continue playing with fire this way, where will it stop? On the other hand, since I consulted with my boyfriend for his point of view, he says that your husband may be doing this just to keep thinking of himself as virile and attractive like James Bond, rather than a plain-old married man like Raymond from Everyone Loves Raymond. If that's the case, then his looking and flirting are very harmless. This is where counselling will bring out the true issues for what is going on in your marriage. This is too important to simply let lie.
The other strong consideration in this is that you have two children. Yes, they would be hurt if you leave him. But by staying, what does that tell the kids? They won't know what's going on other than they see you unhappy and they will grow up thinking that the woman being unhappy is a normal and natural lifestyle. I don't think that's what you want them to get as a message. Putting your mental health first is very important in this situation.
Please take care of yourself so that you can be strong for whatever direction this takes. And please let us know how you are doing... I wish you the best.
-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com