Dating because your Friends Tell you To
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I don't know if I can just see this girl as a friend. I think she knows how I feel, one of her freinds hinted at that,I think it's highly doubtful she'd be fooled. I've also had some pressure to ask her out from freinds. If I do, how should I do it?A note, in person, phone, online chat(MSN), or hotmail, somethin like that? I'm a pretty shy person that's why I wrote to you, hoping you guys ill help me get her.
I've only really known her for about 3 or 4 months but I can tell there's a big connection between us, and we hit it off real quick. I really like this girl and it's driving me nuts, all I can do is think about her. I had a freind talk to her and ask her if she'd go out with me, like I didn't ask him to do that, and he told her that. She told him she thinks I'm a really nice guy and I'm cool but right now she wants to be single for awhile. I'm no girl so I have no idea what that means. I was hoping you could put some light on it.
Please be honnest I wanna know what she really thinks not just encouragement if it's not possible to get her. I want your opinion on how she feels about me. What I'm scared of is she wants to be just freinds but I want you guys to tell me what you think. I know you can't read her mind but as professionals at this topic I would think you have an idea. My friend continued to try and find out stuff and she said "I dunno if I'd go out with him I'd have to think on it". All her freinds seem encouraging me to go for it.
I was thinking of writing a e-mail to tell her exactly how I feel. It worked once with a girl to the point of making her almost cry. I know that didn't sound good but she did say yes and we went out. People say I'm very good with words. But I heard somewhere's e-mails are a bad idea.I'm actually talking to her now as I'm writing you, and she has no idea what I'm doing here. I can't beleive I'm doing it either, I've never really reached out to a person online for advice but I read most of the questions and answers after coming to site by accident and your answers seemed good. So please help me I'm really goin nuts here. And one last thing is your e-mails automated, like premade, or do you read each message and type up a response.Thanx a million
Of course I answer them myself, sheesh :)
OK, first. You should NEVER take steps in your own personal relationship because your friends or her friends PUSH you into it. This is a BAD BAD idea. And you shouldn't be getting your friends to push her into revealing her emotions on how she feels about you!! A relationship is all about *communication* between two individuals. You and her. The more you start broadcasting the way you feel to the entire school, the more you depersonalize it. This shouldn't be done via email, or IM or phone calls. And it should DEFINITELY not be done via the "telephone game" with friends. No wonder she said she didn't want to date!! These are her emotions you're talking about.
A relationship is all about two people being honest and communicating with *each other*. Not about them sharing their innermost secrets with the entire world. So you need to start respecting that and respecting her. So what if she heard from a friend that you like her or anything else, or what her friends are pressuring you into. None of that matters. All that matters is the way you and she talk together and work together.
So again, I highly suggest you two start out with friendship. Sure, she may know that you care for her and she may care for you. But friends DO care for each other. The whole point of friendship is that you then care about each other's emotions and mind first - that you really care about what she *is*. Go to dinners with her, go to movies with her, have fun with her. Learn more about her, what makes her special. Help her learn more about you.
There isn't any need to rush. If it works out well, you guys could be together for 60 years or more. That's well worth it to build up the friendship which is the base of all relationships first. People who just dive into "dating" because their friends force them to are the ones who then break up in a few months because they "don't know each other really." Just read through the other questions on the site to see how many people break up because they never got to know each other first.
Tell the snoopy friends that this is your life here, and definitely stop the friend-message system! Email is fine for saying "hi" but if you feel you're even thinking about dating this girl, you *have* to be able to sit down and have serious conversations with her. Relationships involve two people sharing their heart and soul together. That MUST start with talking honestly. If you can't do that, you're nowhere nearly ready to date her yet. So work on that first. If the only way you can reveal emotions is over email, you have a lot of friendship-building to do before you get to the dating stage!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com