His Ex is a Soulmate
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 1/2 years and doing a long distance relationship. When we first started going out, he had been single and dating for about 6 months, but his situation with his ex was a little gray. They were good friends for years before getting romantically involved, and then the relationship didn't work out so they broke up. However, when we started going out, supposedly their ambiguous friendship/relationship was more clear, they would only remain friends. Since then, he moved on with me and she is in a relationship herself...but I still feel insecure about the true nature of their "friendship." I know they have been friends for many years now, and maybe it's just sentimental or friendship attachments, but I can't help question or worry. He claims he has no feelings for her and would not get back together with her, but why do I not trust it completely? Part of it is due to the fact I have caught him being dishonest about how much they are in contact or have seen each other, whether in group settings or casual lunches. I know he covers up because he knows it makes me uncomfortable and would rather not have an argument. But I also feel I may be the naive one, trying to believe and trust him even though I feel disrespected or untrusting- am I over reacting to something I just need to move on from? I also know she thinks he is her "soulmate," he told me this recently...he said he does not feel the same about her, but it upsets me to know he would remain friends with her knowing this is how she feels about him and knowing he is in a relationship with someone else.
Please let me know how to deal with these emotions of trust and respect? Or if I am justified in feeling this way, and what I can say to him without sounding controlling or unreasonable?
Many people have best friends who are male and female, who they feel extremely close to without being romantic. I know many women who have male 'soulmates' who are completely platonic. So that part should not be a problem at all.
What IS a problem is that your boyfriend lies to you about things. There is NEVER a good excuse for lying. They are all excuses. If he feels you'll be upset, then it is his responsibility to help find a way to soothe your jealousy. But lying about things only makes it worse because it proves to you that your jealousy is founded - that he IS hiding things from you about this relationship. And if you can't trust him to be honest about the little things (say "we met for lunch") how can you possibly trust him to be honest about the bigger things?
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
Visitor Submitted Responses
Our RomanceClass visitors have chimed in with thoughts on this question and answer. Click on a link below to read what their solutions are!
Trust in Him