He's Still Friends with his Ex
Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
My boyfriend of 9 months was involved with a woman for 17 years and she left him about a year and a half ago because "she wasn't happy." He says that he is over her; yet, before she left him, he said that he was perfectly happy with the relationship, so I assume he was pretty heartbroken when she left. He said he was blind when he was with her, and after she left and tried to come back to him three months later, he decided he didn't like the kind of person she was and didn't want her back. He told me early on in our relationship that his ex was a stripper and I've also heard other things about her that makes me believe that she is pretty hot looking woman(for a 40-year-old). He mentions her more often than I would like. I've told him that I don't want to hear her name anymore, but he says it can't be helped since they were involved for so long,they are still friends, and he still cares about her well being. The other day we were at lunch together and he answered a call from her on his cell. I was furious with him! He has also gone to her rescue for various reasons on a couple of occasions. Am I being jealous for good reason or am I just insecure? Please help!!
Well first if he was with this person for 17 years, they sort of go from being just a 'girlfriend' to a 'family member'. 17 years is how long you take in raising a child! So it makes a lot of sense that he is still friends with her and is concerned for her general well being. If he was able to just abandon her without a care, I'd be worried.
Yes, it's natural to be jealous. You worry that after all that time, with the emotional ties he has and that you feel she's very sexy - that "of course" he'd go back to her if he could. Why wouldn't he? She has it all - the sexy body, the emotional tie.
But what you need to realize here is that he tried that already, and it failed. He knows that. We all make mistakes in life. Women aren't judged just by their body - which is going to sag - or by their puppy-dog loyalty. There are MANY other qualities in a human being which are far more important. Apparently you have those other qualities and he loves you! You can't spend life obsessing about things you wish you had, and envying those who have those traits. You need to sit down, take stock of your good points and be proud about them. You only have one life, so to spend it jealous of others is fruitless. You have a great guy, he is happy to be with you. He is loyal to those he cares about, he does not abandon people. Those are all really great traits in a person.
I have a ton of advice on fighting jealousy on the site, so take a while to work through them. Focus on the great ties you and he have - and focus on the good, chivalric nature in your guy's heart. If you like Lord of the Rings - Aragorn was able to help save the blond girl's home, while still being loyal and true to the woman he was with. It is what a noble guy does.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
Visitor Submitted Responses
Our RomanceClass visitors have chimed in with thoughts on this question and answer. Click on a link below to read what their solutions are!