I'm Insecure and Driving Her Away
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and i have been together for about 9 months minus a few hiccups now. we live 100 mile apart. We've only had the chance to see each other about 5 times in this period, however we speak about 8 times a day on the phone. She is a couple of years younger than me and at a stage in her life where she still has lots of friends from college both male and female, all of whom i know are constantly on her back about us and how worthwhile it is. We are closer than close, and love each other alot. However it is the most difficult relationship in the world. Her circumstances at the moment and mine mean we couldnt move nearer each other atleast not for now, but it gets harder and harder. My jealously is gettin more prominent, to the extent i get angry with her for just being happy, because i cant accept she may have just had a good time with friends. It gets to a point where im asking myself why wouldnt she cheat on me? shes young, has young friends around her and i will probably never find out. I have been trying to control her life just through the phone and its driving her away. So now, weve come to a stage where i just have to change, i have to trust her, and be more secure but im finding it so hard. I am one for showing my emotions and she is not so much, this too causes me to ask questions and get it out of her, again causing unhappiness for her and me to question the genuinity of what she says. Please help, i just wanna bang my head against the wall everyday, all i wanna do is be sure shes mine and she loves me like i love her so we can both lead our lives happily until we are together for good.
As you are seeing, jealousy and insecurity can easily destroy even the most strong of relationships. It's like water torture, eating away at things until finally someone snaps. You can't ever look at a relationship as a control situation. So you feel things are bad now because you can't control her - but things will be better when you are close and *can* control her? How about when she's at work? There will always be dastardly co-workers out to seduce her. Or how about when she goes out with her friends? Who will control her then?
In love, you have to trust someone fully. You can't say that a person not under your thumb is going to cheat. That is what love is about - to trust and love a person. That is true whether someone is 1000 miles away or 10 miles away.
I have a TON of material on this site about jealousy and insecurity - work through it. It's really important to be able to trust someone, if you want a long term relationship to work.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com