Different Sides of the Tracks
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was dating this guy for a few months and then he broke up with me because he said we were too different (I'm a straight A college student and he's kind of a burnout) and that we have nothing in common. He also said that the other problem was that he didn't feel like we had gotten to know me well enough because I was so quiet and that there was too much 'weirdness' between us. He also said that he was always worrying about what I thought of him. He said a bunch of times that he was afraid he was going to regret it and later, that he knew he was going to regret it.
He also said he wants to be friends and that better relationships are based on friendships. He wants me to hang out with him and other friends but not alone. When I asked him if there was a possibility that we'd get back together and if I should find someone else, he said he didn't know what would happen and he didn't answer me if I should find someone else. He told me he'd miss me and if he missed me, maybe he'd try harder. He also said it was hard not to kiss me. Before I left he hugged me for a long time and told me, I hope this works out the way I want it to. I don't know what that meant. I'm not sure why he said all those things. I was crying a lot so maybe he was trying to make me feel better.
Anyway he checked up on me the next day and even invited me to hang out but I said no and I've been avoiding him since because I didn't want to pretend I wasn't upset. I did say hi when I saw him at a concert, but then things got weird. He came and stood by me but didn't say anything. Neither did I and then he became uncomfortable and left. I'm not sure what to do now. I want to be friends but it's hard when I still like him and I'm wondering what he's feeling and what his intentions are and why he said all those things.
A lot have people have told me to forget about him because i'm lowering my standards for him but I can't help but like him. I've been doing my own thig but Whenever I think I could get over him, I see him again at work and then I'm stuck on him again. I guess what I really want to know is what do you think is going on with him? Also how should I make things better? How can I just be his friend when I still like him? Should I just move on?
People often fall in love with opposites. The smart kid falls for the dropout, the quiet girl falls for the outspoken guy. Just look at all the movies about those things. True love is about two people who talk and communicate, regardless of backgrounds.
It's definitely true that a great relationship starts with friendship, and that you two should be friends. If he doesn't know you well enough, it means you both weren't communicating well. If he asked you about yourself, I bet you would have told him. If he worries about what you thought of him, it also points to lack of communication. He should trust you. You two should be talking.
But OK, at this point he says he wants to work on the friendship first. Which is very admirable. And so far, you've been resisting his attempts! You need to meet him halfway. Go to hang out with him and his friends. Part of how well a relationship stays together depends on how well you accept each others' friends. So get to know his. Spend time with him. Really learn about each others lives. Talk a lot.
Once you guys really do get to be friends, the romance will be even more strong, because it'll be based on strength, not riddled with fear. But you have to meet him half way, even though it makes you nervous. Go, be with his friends. Be with him. Every relationship involves work, so show him you're willing to put in the work to make things go well.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com