I'm Overly Jealous - It's Destroying Our Relationship
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I'm 19 and I'm in a serious relationship with someone. We've been together for about 8 months and since we go to school together, we see each other everyday. My problem is with his past; I can't seem to get over it. He's not a player or anything like that, but he had some sexual experiences (which he initiated w/older women) when he was 13 and he made the mistake of sharing them with me when I asked about it. I also just get upset sometimes thinking about the girls he's hooked up with and kissed. I've done my share of dating, but I don't know why I can't get past this. I love him and this is the best relationship I've even been in; everyone around us thinks we're great together and we are, except that I can't seem to get past this. I trust him, but I just get really upset by his past, to the point where sometimes it makes me cry. I've talked to him about it but he hates seeing me so upset and doesn't know what to do except not mention his past at all (everything that I know I've asked about, he hasn't volunteered it). Please help!
Obviously if this guy was a 3 month old baby, you would not want to date him. So you don't WANT a guy with zero experience. But for some reason you want him to erase his past, to not be what he was, because you're insecure that maybe the people in his past were better kissers or better looking or more fun or whatever. This is something you REALLY need to get past if you're going to have a healthy relationship with him.
I have a TON of advice on the site about dealing with insecurity. You have to accept this guy fully - including the fact that he's been with other people! Heck, you rarely date a virgin in life. Even those who haven't "gone all the way" will probably have kissed and cared for others. That is a normal part of life! What he went through has made him the guy he is now. If he had NOT been with those other women, he might have been completely unable to appreciate you! That is what is magic about life. It's the sum of our experiences that makes us unique.
So read through all the material on insecurity and jealousy. Work on this very seriously. Either you get your insecurity under control, or it is going to water torture your relationship to death.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com