My Friend is Dating a Psycho

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Me and my friend...lets call her Abby... have been friends since 7th grade..and and always held herself really high standards for herself and for the guys that she dates. I moved to another state a few years ago and we dont' get to see eachother very much but aparently she started dating this guy *Alex* and they've been together for almost 2 years. Well I knew this guy Alex for a while but he's a dork. He messes around with drugs and he's always getting into fights and stuff and he's just dumb for doing stuff like that. Anyways...before I moved Abby was raped and that really was hard for her to deal with. But now I came back for a week to see her and she wasn't ok at all. She looks really depressed and she has pics of her and Alex plasterd all over her wall. Well Abby left with me for an hour to go to my dad's house to hang and then Alex called her cell from his work and he flipped out. He started screaming at her and he dumped her and he was just really dumb...just because she left her house. He kept calling and calling and calling. Wouldn't leave her alone. But she kept answering the phone. Putting up with it and she wasn't getting upset. But alot of the things he was screaming at her was horrid. and my b/f went back over to Abbys house and hung out in her computer room to talk to friends on the internet...then Alex shows up and he starts screaming at her and he bites her face and twists her skin on her stomach and stuff. He was screaming at her. Me and my b/f were just sitting in the comp. room listing to all of this...listing to Abby crying and saying she was sorry and that she loved him. Then he heard me and my b/f talking and he screamed at us to come out there so he could beat us up and just stupid stuff....then Abbys parents came home and he stopped. But then they went and sat on the front porch and he was holding her hand and it just looked like they had been fighting and she was crying...but he was actually pushing hard on a pressure point and gritting his teeth saying nasty stuff under his breath to her. I love Abby alot but it's disgusting that she puts up with this and everyone has tried to break them up...and she still won't listen. But she seemed surprised when I said that I'll stop talking to her if she doesn't get away from him. She's terrified to talk to anyone at her school cause Alex made it so that his friends watch her every move. And he'll hurt her if she talks to anyone. Please help...I'm afraid that my best friend is going to marry this idiot and get killed for talking to the post man or something. Advice
That sounds really awful and you're right - sometimes adults don't really know how psycho a relationship can get. It sounds like Abby is denying everything and feeling she needs to be loyal to this guy - that she doesn't deserve any better. Women do some really stupid things in staying with guys that abuse them.

Talk to her parents. Talk to her teachers. I know it may seem like you're betraying her, but really you're helping her. If she was about to overdose on heroin, you would stage an intervention. This is an intervention for her life in exactly the same way. Keep talking to her - take her to movies about women who are beat up and who finally do something about it. Get material for her on escaping abusive boyfriends. If he is already emotionally abusing her, that is nasty enough and should NEVER be tolerated. Get help in every way you can.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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