Jealousy is Ruining our Lives
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for just about 3 years. The first year of our relationship I would say was the best. Probably because it was our "honeymoon" phase. The first year it was like we were the perfect pair, a match made in heaven. He was the person I thought I was always waiting for.
Then jealousy, mistrust and insecurity entered the picture. My boyfriend then became a very jealous and possesive person. Usually second guessing and questioning my actions. I then started having my own issues with jealousy and him. We'd fight often and almost every fight was never a small one. There'd be yelling, screaming and usually one of us hanging up on the other. Before I met him I was never a screamer when it came to arguments and confrontation. Also he's the first boyfriend I actully don't completely trust. Oh I didn't even get to that issue yet. Well throughout our relationship my boyfriend has on occasion told me a few half truths and has lied by omission about certain things. It usually has to do with where he's at, who he's with or what he's doing. And I catch his lies almost all the time and he tells me he did it because he didn't want me to get mad! Because of these half truths, I have a hard time believing him these days.
Since August of last year, we've broken up and gotten back together numerous times. The dilema I have now is that when it's good it's really good but when it's bad it's really bad. Nothing is ever constant or consistent. It's never constantly good or bad for a period of at least 2 1/2 weeks. It's just goes up and down. When we have good times they are really good and we get along great and we can have a blast together. It's just that when an issue hits us it really hits us hard and I feel like we never ever see eye to eye but issues of concern.
This past week I caught him on two more lies again. He tried to convince me that he didn't "lie" and again that he only did it because he thought I would get upset. We fought and I haven't spoken to him for about three days now. I think I want to end it because I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who can't be honest with me.
I told him that I don't fully trust him and the reason why I don't. He told me that he thinks I'm making a big deal of it because his lies were only about little minor things.
It's hard because there are certain things that I would really miss. We got along great when we weren't fighting, we have great chemistry and intimacy. But there are certain things that I won't miss like the lack of trust,half truths, dramatic arguments and being taken for granted at times.
We've done a lot for each other in this relationship but I feel that our relationship is not healthy and that it's not working. The constant breaking up and getting back together is both physically and emotionally draining.
Is it worth saving and can it be saved? Or should I end it and just move on?
I know it's really hard to be objective when you have those "great highs" in life. You figure that maybe if you ignore the lows enough, they'll go away somehow. But really, they never do. They just get worse and worse, and soon no matter how high those highs are, it just isn't worth the pain and crying and yelling.
Your boyfriend lies to you. Not only that, but he tries to justify it by saying you'd get mad if you knew the truth and that you shouldn't be angry that he lies - that you should just accept it. For him to stand there and justify lying to your face because "it meant you wouldn't yell at him" is about as clear a signal as you can receive that you should stay away from this guy. He is deliberately lying. He is doing so so you won't find out about things you would be angry about. What does this mean? It means he feels he can do anything he wants, and lie to you, and it's OK because it means it keeps him safe from consequences. He doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
So now what happens when he kisses another woman. He'll lie and feel justified about it. What happens when he sleeps with another woman. He'll lie and feel justified about it. He has no qualms about doing things that will upset you. Notice he never even considers NOT doing these things! He only considers lying to you as his "solution". And the fact that he claims these are only minor things makes it worse. If he's willing to lie to you about stupid, minor things - why in the world would you trust him on things that were more serious?? Minor issues are the "training grounds" of a relationship. They're the way you prove you ARE trustworthy. If he fails the small tests, there's no way you can trust him on the big issues. He's already proven to you what he would do - he would lie.
So yes, it's hard to give up those fun times. But believe me, you can have fun times with just about any guy out there. It's finding someone you can trust that is difficult - and it's time you ditch this liar and look for a guy who will respect you and be loyal to you. It's better you make that decision now - not later when you're making it because you've been given a STD.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com