He's Changed - Things are Getting Worse
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. And things were amazing until just recently. We moved closer to his work which took me away from my family and friends and him closer to his.
In the last two weeks he seems like a completly different person. He is not the same person I feel in love with. He has been drinking more and just hanging out at weird places with his friends. Our relationship at this point is more sexual then it is physical. We dont talk anymore and when we do he says he doesnt want to talk right now. When we do spend time together we really dont. He is in one room and I am in another.
I have tried talking to him about it numerous times and I dont have any clue what I have to do to make myself noticeable to hime. Is there any advice that would pull me out of my misery?
It does sound like you guys are drifting apart and it is good of you to notice this now rather than when it's destroyed the relationship. You are trying your best to talk about it but he is actively resisting. So it's time to take some concrete steps here. Don't just brush it off hoping "things will get better". They rarely do on their own - usually they drift further apart until you've broken up.
First, moves are always stressful and this may be his way of dealing with stress. But believe me, life sends MANY stresses your way and this is but a minor one. How you learn to deal with the minor stresses is an indicator of how you can handle the big ones. So you need to deal with this.
Instead of him running away from you and going out drinking, you two need to find ways to spend time together. Not a forced "we will schedule 2 hours of sitting looking at each other" - but casual, happy time. Look through your local newspaper and phone book. Find things in the area you'll both enjoy - a walk in a local forest, a visit to the local museum, try out a nearby restaurant. Find at least one thing each week to do together for fun. Don't try to have serious talks or anything - just spend the time reforging those bonds.
Next, ramp up the 'romance' a bit. Sure, sex is fun. But that romantic connection is also important, and needs to be actively maintained. Draw a heart on the mirror with lipstick. Make him breakfast. Yes HE should be doing these things too but right now your aim is to reconnect you two, so it might just be you making the effort. When things 'get better' again it'll be easier for him to reciprocate a bit too. You're the jump-starter here.
The drinking and friends stuff might be part of his 'escaping stress at home' release, and maybe once you do these other things it'll ease off. I wouldn't try to get him to STOP doing those other things for now, because he might take this as a 'mommy is making me not have fun' and do it more to spite you. But if even with your other efforts he keeps doing it, it might be time to take further steps. Yes, every guy needs his night out with the boys. But he shouldn't be abandoning you EVERY night for example. You should be his primary desire in life to be with, it's the whole reason you're dating. So if he wants to go out a second time in a week, offer to go along with him. You enjoy being with him, you want to have fun with him! If he refuses to let you go, and says he doesn't want to be with you, that's when it's time to talk about what he DOES want.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com