I Drove Away my Soulmate
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hello, I am a 21 year old female and I'm in a pretty messed up predicament at the moment. I'll begin by giving some background information before asking my question.
Well, round the start of 2002, whilst chatting away on an online chatroom, I met this guy. As usual, we began to chat to each other. We spoke about a lot of things - about life, past romances, politics, school and so on. Anyway, we became very close. Towards the end of 2002 we professed our feelings for each other and in April 2003, we met up in person. Actually, up until our meeting, we agreed that we could not be certain of our feelings unless we met up, so it was an 'iffy' situation up until then. Anyway, we met up in April and realised we really did love each other. We got very close, physically and emotionally. It was absolutely intense.
However, there was a slight problem always lingering over our heads. We both came from different worlds. He wanted me to tell my parents about him, but I couldn't because I knew my parents would reject him and I did not want to lose him. I did not want to hurt my family either or have them disown me. But other than parents, my religion prohibited me to be with this guy as well. I wasn't really an ardent follower of my faith, but after meeting this guy, I guess you could say I slipped further out of the fold of my faith.
Anyway, I wanted to marry this guy. That's how strong my feelings were, and I was willing to sacrifice anything for him. But telling my parents was a huge obstacle. Anyway, we had tried to break up on a number of occassions due to this problem, but we always got back together cuz our feelings were too strong. Then, in September 2003 he told me he wanted to break up with me. I was immensely saddened, but I knew I could not offer him the relationship he wanted, so I said ok.
After we broke up, the guy stopped pursuing me but I myself still held out for hope that one day, some how, I'll find a way to be with him. We continued to talk to each other on a daily basis, we were still very close but not pursuing each other.
Then, in November/December, I went overseas. Whilst overseas, I would SMS this guy every few days telling him how I was doing and asking how he was doing etc. I really was missing him whilst I was there. Anyway, I came back at the end of December (last year) and the day I came back, he told me he had met this girl. I was absolutely shattered. On New Years Day they were together as a couple. I went ballastic, I felt the world was caving in on me. All my hopes were falling down, and I was beginning to realise I was really really losing him for good. All those days that we used to speak after our break up, would be no more because of this girl....
So I went insane, I stopped eating, lost weight, cried my eyes out every single minute of the day and began to call him :( Yes, I admit it - I harassed him endlessly. I did not do it with evil intention though. I did it because I felt so alone without him, and I only wanted him to comfort me, to show me he cared... he would not show met hat though. He would hang up on me or ignore my calls or tell me to stop etc.
I tried to make myself to stop harassing him like I did, but I just couldn't... I went insane, and my heart was aching really bad. We used to speak on MSN all the time in the past, but he had decided to keep distant from me for a few months.
I gradually began to stop calling him less and less, and by the end of March, I had stopped completely. This whole thing went on for almost 3 months, and I regret my actions so much now.
He began to talk to me again this month (April now). He actually has broken up with his girlfriend now (but he began to talk to me a week before she broke up with him so our talking had nothing to do with that).
Anyway, I tried hating him, but I failed. I tried busying myself with other things, but failed. SEVEN months has passed and I still feel strongly about this guy!! I don't know what to do. He says he does not want me anymore. He said that my 'misbehaviour' (ie the phonecalls) showed another side to me he had not seen before. He said I was too emotionally dependent on him and he did not want that quality in a girl. I told him that this was not anything to do with my character, but it was due to the circumstances (ie jetlaggedness, the build up of hopes etc). He insists that it is inherent quality in me and hence he can never be with me. I don't believe it's an inherent quality. For two whole years whilst I was with him I never behaved that way, I know that, if we were together, I would never behave like I did ever again. Even if he finds another girlfriend now, I am sure I won't behave the way I did. I have absolute remorse for my harassing behaviour, but it's not IN me to harass people :/
But alas, he is convinced otherwise. I told him I could change, that I won't be so emotionally dependent and that quality in me won't be evident in me, but he does not budge. He says I have burnt him and exploited the closeness we had. I agree with him. I burnt him and exploited the trust, but I did not do it intentionally. I was in an insane state, a suicidal state in fact. And I am not always like that. I never contemplated suicide in my life except during that time.
I know we can never be together. Afterall, even if he did change his mind about me, there is still the issue of 'parents' that needs to be addressed. But what hurts me the most is that I always used to believe him and I had a special connection. That we were starcross lovers that simply could not be together, and that some day, somehow, maybe after a miracle that there was still hope for us. Maybe not in the immediate future, but maybe later on when we reached age 40 or something like that. I know that's a dreamy way of looking at iit, and I know I have to snap out of this trance, but I simply don't know how! :(
It's just that I was always under the impression and belief that we had something special, that if it weren't for the 'parent factor' we'd be together. As in, we were PERFECT for each other but it was EXTERNAL forces preventing us being together. I so so wanted to believe this because it was so much easier to believe than having to believe that we broke up coz he hated me or did not love me anymore. We did not break up coz we stopped loving each other, we just couldn't be together - and I guess you could say that I wanted to grow old and look back at the relationship as being something magical of sorts... a past love that was perfect but just wasnt meant to be....
But now I am faced with a new reality. He tells me I am not the one for him, and that hurts. I can understand that I may not be the one for him due the circumstances, but he tells me I am not the one for him due to my character. I feel absolutely betrayed because I gave everything of my heart to him , I revealed all, and he told me he loved it all...but I blew it all up with my insane careless behaviour of harassment...
He took a part of me with him. I entrusted it in his hands - but he did not take care of it. That part of me died. And now my soul is only yearning for its dead limb.
He tells me I was 'fine' up until the point he told me about his gf, and that it was afterh e told me about her that I erupted. I told him, "Yes! That's the real side to me, whatever I did after that was due to insanity..." And he said no, it was always in me, it just had to take a few right buttons to be pushed for it to come out.
What can I do? How can I make him feel close to me again? He has put up a wall between us and he's always cynical about everything I say. How can I earn his trust, how can I show him that I would be willing to lay my life for him. How can I have him accept me back into his life and be close to me like he used to (after our break up even). I don't care if we are not together. I've conceded that the obstacles are far too big to come down, but how can I make him feel the way he used to ? As in, he used to believe I was the one for him, but he does not anymore... how can he change his mind about me and not think about this 'blot' or 'stain' I have in my character. It's extremely disheartening for him to speak to me the way he does. No sympathy at all. He used to feel for me when I used to cry or be upset. He sometimes mimicks my sadness and makes a mockery out of it now. For example he'd be like "Oh boohoo you're hurting my feelings". Blah blah...
I've put myself in such a big mess. How do I get out of this? Sometimes I wish I could just stop talking to him all together and not know him. I wish I could just forget about him but he's got every single bit of thing that I desire and need in a man. How do I pass up this kind of guy, how do I live with myself and move on to another guy, when I know he is the one for me.
I want to forget him, but I so want to meet up with him again. He refuses to meet up with me but he has not ruled it out completely. I guess there is still a bit of hope to meet up with him again. But I desire to have him hold me once again or to speak kind words to me. But I fear him now. I fear his hard words.. everything he says to me seems harsh, even if it's not harsh. I'm so vulnerable next to him. I tell myself I wont cry, but I somehow find a way to make myself cry anyway.
I spent so much time in my room, it's affecting my studies and my apetite. How do I snap out of this? You know, I think I'm somewhat afraid to let go of him because it feels like, "If I let go of him, that means I am being unfaithful". I guess you could say I consider forgetting about him and moving on as a disloyal act. I don't want to be disloyal, but I suppose I have to be, but I don't know how.
He tells me I should be content with what I have. He told me that most guys would cut me loose after what I did but he has decided to stick around and talk to me and listen to my sh*t anyway because he values the friendship.
And to be honest, it sure does mean a lot to me that he has not cut me loose. He tells me I overlook this fact and should be thanking him for sticking around. And I do thank him, I thank him immensely for it...but my ranting about how I feel etc looks like I am being ungrateful or something, but I am not ungrateful. The fact that he is actually talking to me and has not cut me loose just makes me like him more - he has the strongest of characters I have seen in anyone. I suppose my character does not match his....
But I continue to make myself believe that nobody will love him more than I did... he does not seem to believe that... oh well, I suppose I'm just fooling myself here.
I jsut need some guidance. Some practical advice, to either help me get over him or to help me find ways to mend the damage caused, by me, to him - to us.
I'm sorry for this being long... but seriously, I need some help here, please.
I really recommend you get some therapy here. You are an adult woman. For you to blame your parents for a disaster in your love life is nonsensical. Trillions of people run off with their loved ones every day. They don't care at all what their parents say. You say you aren't very religious - yet you claim it's religious reasons that keep you apart from this guy. Undoubtedly you have seen countless movies where people of different races, religions, backgrounds, etc. hook up and fall in love. They don't let things stand in their way. This guy was there for you. You were quite content to love him from afar - but you wouldn't actually risk anything to be with him. He was a safe lover. And you just expected him to stay celibate and pure for you, for his entire life, because it's what you wanted. I imagine if YOU had found another guy, you would have dated him and married him. So in a way you kept this guy around as a safety net for you.
And then when your fantasy would was shattered, you got really upset. You even got suicidal. You felt he betrayed you by moving on with his life, when that is what you should have been doing yourself. You after all were the person claiming the relationship was impossible, because of your parents.
I really suggest talking to a therapist here. You are the only person who can make you feel better. You need to get over this guy and stop thinking of him as the only guy in the entire universe. Obviously he was not your soulmate, if you refused to go to him. There are other guys out there who ARE meant for you - and if you can let go of this current guy, you might actually be able to meet them!
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com