I Cheated - He Left
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was with my boyfriend for about a month before I broke up with him, because things didn't feel quite right. after that we became friends and got closer. we started hooking up again and then one night i kissed a friend of his. He got upset about that and got us both together and we talked about how it upset him etc. The next night me and his friend fooled around. We decided not to tell my boyfriend.
A week or so later I realised i wanted to be with my boyfriend again so asked him to take me back and after a while he said yes. So we were happy and had fun. After about a month i for some reason told him about the incident with his friend. He wasn't happy about it... (obviously) but admitted, I hadn't cheated on him... he seemed to get over it and we moved on... about 5 months down the track of fun times, punctuated with him getting slightly depressed and having mood swings. We still had a lot of fun and a good relationship i thought.
Anyway, he broke up with me after 5 months and it sucked. He said at the time that it was cause he didn't know how he felt about me, that the spark didn't seem to be there anymore. since then he's told me its a lot to do with the incident with his friend... he says i did nothing wrong as a girlfriend, but i had no respect for his feelings as a friend. It sucks. I wish he could get over it and move on. We have been still seeing each other once maybe twice a week and having sex occasionally too. Also keep in contact with texting most days. I really want to be back with him. I feel its right, that he's making a mistake. What is the best thing to do here?? Do I just cut contact and make him realise what he's missing out on?? or do i keep in contact and try to be friends...
On one hand you say that you hooked up with this guy and that he explicitly told you both that it upset him that you were kissing. And on the other hand you say that even though you knew that, you went out and fooled around with this friend. So you knew his feelings on the subject and you went ahead and did something anyway. That really is a pretty clear indication of how you rank importance in your relationship. I can understand why it upset him and why he thought this was a bad sign for future trustworthiness.
He gave it a number of months to see if it could work anyway, and it just didn't. Over those five months you weren't able to show him that you were in fact trustworthy, long term. I have to give him credit that he tried for five months - and you have to ask yourself why for five full months you guys were never able to get this resolved. It's not like the relationship was perfect for 5 months and then POOF it disintegrated. Obviously he was trying to make things work for those 5 months, to get over the betrayal and it just wasn't happening. If that entire time you thought things were good, that is a pretty clear sign that communication was really pretty poor. That's a big disconnect between how you felt and how he felt.
That all being said, it is of course possible to rebuild trust. But it can't just happen. He's given you a lot of chances to do it. I have a ton of advice on the site about HOW to do it. But either you put in the effort - and he is sitting there waiting for you to do that - or it's not going to work.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com