I Hate My Boyfriend's Best Friend
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have made it through a year apart (he was at college all year and again during the summer) and then last summer while I worked in another state. We've made it through all of this, yet I still can't stand his friends and they can't stand me. His best friend A especially has never treated me with respect, and so now he just pretty much ignores me. It bothers me because my boyfriend is always more than nice and friendly to A's girlfriend. And to make matters worse, I don't always get along with my boyfriends brothers either. I never say anything, but they act much younger than they are and the one is always in our business. A's girlfriend isn't around them all the time like I am so she doesn't understand what they are like. Because of this she always shows me up and now they like her more. She recently just invited one of them to a concert with her and her bf, which I would never do (the last time i went to a concert with my boyfriend and his brother my boyfriend threw away our prom pics b/c they wouldn't allow a camera in and i was very upset. His brother then yelled at me for being stupid and told me to shut up). I am angry that she did this. I feel that my boyfriends family is my boyfriends family and she needs to back off, b/c I would not go to A's family and start hanging out with his sister, or buying his baby cousin presents. And it makes me mad that she always cuts coupns for my bf. She is just butting in in my opinion. And it's horrible b/c my bf and A live together in the same dorm and we are always there. I'm sick of being treated badly, and being constantly reminded that i'm not wanted there.
My bf always says he doesn't see it but if he did he'd say something, but he can't really say anything to his friend for not talking to me. He tells me that next year when he has a job and is somewhere out west that he wants me to move in with him and things will be better. I plan on moving with him and I know things will be better, but at the same time his friend and his gf drive me insane. And honestly, my bf and I are talking marriage soon after we move in, and we have already discussed getting engaged and we both want that before we move in. A big wedding is important to both of us, and we both want our friends and family there. But I don't want his best friend to stand up at our wedding. Especially not as best man. I feel that to be a part of the wedding party you have to back the couple whole heartedly!
I know this is a whole lot, but these are all of the issues that are really bugging me. I'm not sure what I'm asking. I guess just am I right? Am I justified for feeling this way? What can I do? And do I have a right to ask my bf to speak up every once and awhile, and is it unfair of me to get upset when he doesn't?
One of the most important things for you to understand if you are going to get married is that there are always going to be troublesome relationships involved in the marriage. You can't pick and choose your partner's friends or family! You can't expect everybody your partner likes to love you. You also can't be jealous about people who like your partner's family - that's a bit silly. People have the right to be friends with whoever they want to be friends with.
If you start making statements like "I refuse to let you have X as a friend" to your boyfriend, the marriage is going to end rather quickly (or never begin). The whole point of a best man is that it is the man the guy wants by his side. It has nothing to do with what the bride wants. Would you want your boyfriend able to order you around about who you could and could not have as bridesmaids? The whole point is that they are YOUR friends, YOUR choice. His best man is HIS choice. And yes in fact I know many best men and bridesmaids who completely disagreed with the marriage choice but who stuck by their friend even though they felt it was an awful decision. That is part of being a best man. You are there to support the guy, even if the guy chooses to change his mind. I imagine you don't want to hear that, but if you don't face these realities, marriage is going to be a tough world.
One of the most important things you can do is sit down and figure out WHY this guy that your boyfriend loves is so abhorrent to you. Surely he's not Pure Evil. Surely if you chose to work on it, you could find common ground and build a relationship with him. Make that your task. If you insist on despising the man your boyfriend really likes, it is going to make your entire relationship painful.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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