I Still Long for my Ex
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I met this one girl about 3 years ago on vacation. We started talking regularly and eventually it turned into a relationship. She lives about a half an hour away from me and at that time I didn't have a car so I would visit her for a few days at a time like twice a month or so. For both of us it was our first real relationship, we even had our first kiss together. Of course it didn't last, it went on for about a year though.
We didn't see each other for about 2 years, although by some freakish chance I walked past her on the boardwalk and she was with some other guy, so I was sort of crushed to see that. She e-mailed me a few times after that saying, "I'm was sorry, thats probably the last thing you wanted to see, I knew what hotel you were staying at but I was too much of a coward to come over and talk to you." I was too mad to talk to her at that time though. I was mad because I thought about her almost everyday. I wanted to be with her again and seeing her with another guy deflated me a bit. She was always so much fun to talk to and we had some great times and I wanted that back.
So, in December, I was at work and I saw a person I used to know from my old highschool who also knew the girl that I was with since I introduced them once. We talked for a bit and he mentioned that he still talked to my ex. So I said "Yeah? I wouldn't mind talking to her again." This was after 2 bad experiences with girls that I asked out during the 2 years, I wanted her back obviously. About 2 days later she called me. I was too afraid to pick up though. After about a month I e-mailed her and told her I was sorry for blowing off her calls and e-mails. So we started talking again. I found out she was with two since our breakup, the one I saw and another guy who she had been seeing for about a year now. The relationship she was in now was starting to get rocky though, she said that he was moving way too fast for her liking.
Then it happened, we were talking about her problem with her current boyfriend and she said that she thought about me everyday, if I called her a year before she would have came right back to me, she still had deep feelings for me, she felt the same way I did. So we started talking more and more and finally decided to get back together, she of course had to break up with her boyfriend first. He took it pretty hard, he said a lot of things to her like "I was planning on getting engaged to you in a year" She didn't want that at all, she said she just can't see herself with him forever. My sister didn't really approve of the move I made to take her back and we talked about it for a bit. Because of this I had to think about it for about a week or so before we planned to see each other as a bit of a trial to see if the spark is still there.
So I saw her and we had fun, I didn't make any moves though because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Of course her now ex-boyfriend called her the next day. I guess since I didn't make any moves she thought that I just wanted to be friends and she called me to say that they were getting back together. Of course I hated the idea because I wanted her back so bad. So after the convo ended with her saying "I'm sorry!" many many times during the convo, she called me two days later and said, "I got all your e-mails and I don't know what I was thinking, I shouldn't have let him talk me into coming back to him so I broke up with him, it's over, done." Of course I was ecstatic and I took her back.
So we started seeing each other again. I saw her every Friday, called her every other day, and talked to her online every other day than that. As opposed to that one day, it was now much more "hands on" so to say. So one day she asked me if it would be okay to have lunch with her ex, because he said he wanted to at least be friends. I was a bit uneasy but he didn't want her talking to me at all during the end of their relationship so I didn't want to be like him. So I let her. The few weeks after her telling me that were great though, we didn't have any problems. The night before she was to have lunch with him she told me that she wasn't looking forward to it at all and "I hope he doesn't try to ask me out again, but if he does I'll sure have news for him!" I was pretty confident that nothing would happen. So the same night she went to lunch with him, she called, which was one of the usual calling nights. She sounded really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said "Im sorry, I'm so sorry for dragging you into this, I'm just so confused right now and too many things are going on, I just can't do this, it just doesn't feel right." She wanted to breakup again, and very sudden at that. I kept asking her if he asked her out again and she said "He didn't say anything like that, we just talked about..." and said all the stuff they talked about which was normal stuff. She said that it just didn't feel right being with someone so soon, and that she wanted some time alone and that she still had some feelings for him.
I was so crushed...I mean I thought about her so much for those 2 years, I wanted to get back together with her so badly, it was like my dream. I always thought about being with her forever, it didn't feel as bad during the 2 years because for some reason I knew there would be another chance but now that we're 18 I don't think thats theres any chance left of that dream coming true. I keep calling her and stuff wanting to just talk it over, but she won't pick up the phone...probably because she wants to be "alone". I just think she's with that guy now but I wish I knew the truth. I loved her so much, from the time we broke up the first time 2 years ago, and I still do now, I just wish she felt the same way. I have no regrets saying that I need her. And it's so confusing because she said many times that she felt the same way for those 2 years, we even agreed that we may just be soulmates. My sister has a philosophy that she's just "ping ponging" between guys to get the satisfaction of knowing that two guys care for her so much but I'm very sure that she's not like that. I just wish she would make up her mind...in favor of me of course but I feel that it's a complete longshot and it's tearing me apart inside.
Any help/advice for this upsetting situation?
It's nice to feel that people are soulmates, but the truth is that we are all soulmates for MANY different people in life - and that often someone who is perfect for us in one stage is not perfect in another stage.
She obviously does not mind seeing multiple guys and gets along well with each of you. It's easy to build up fantasies of how perfect things were - but perfect things keep going. Imperfect things end. So obviously there were problems if things ended - and if they are still not working out now. It's important to be able to face those realities, and to do an honest evaluation of what things are at now.
It might be good to accept her as a good part of your past - but that you need to keep your options open going forward.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com