I Compare Myself to his Exs
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I'm a virgin (Gosh I can hear most of you laughing at me right now), but my boyfriend isn't. While I do plan on waiting until I'm married to have sex (or as I prefer to call it making love) I was wondering how some of you cope with the feelings of maybe thinking of being compared to a past lover(s) in your s.o's past. (if you or them weren't the first).
Secondly, if you were plagued by these feelings how did you get over it? I'm not holding his past against him whatsoever. I guess what bothers me the most is that if I did decide to want to take things to the next level with him, I wouldn't want to try new positions or other forms of intimate experimentation b/c I'd feel 'well, he probably already did this with so and such at so and such a place...why would he bother wanting to do those things with me? If and when I'm able to over come these insecurities, I know that when I do have a sex life I want it to be wonderful and absolutely fun and spicy.
*Secondly if someone you cared about was feeling the way that I do now, how would you feel and would there be anything you would do to alleviate such insecurities. Thank you all ahead of time for your input and advice I appreciate it very much.
*My bf has never ever compared me to past ex's nor has he pressured me into having sex...he respects my decision to wait.
*Sometimes I think maybe I should break things off with him in order to stop feeling so insecure, so that he'd be better off with someone at his level of experience, it seems like all guys would rather be with an experienced girl, rather than one they would have to 'teach' and didn't have a clue as to what she is doing.
Nobody is laughing at your decision to remain a virgin until you marry - in fact most women who end up marrying wish they DID remain a virgin until then. A lot of people are pressured into giving up their virginity when they're young, and then have horrific breakups with those people. Their special sacrifice is forever tied to a royal jerk.
Your feelings of inadequacy are not by any means unusual. Sure in your case they deal with sex. But with other girls they relate to ex-girlfriends or ex-wives or ex-partners. There is always SOME ex in your guy's life that he did things with, whatever they are. In your case you might feel lucky that at least it's ONLY sex you are worried about. Think of all those girls who date divorced guys, who were married and even had kids!
I have an entire ebook on handling jealousy and self esteem issues. I would NOT break up with him. You would have the exact same issues with the next guy you dated. The point is that you have to trust the guy you are with to love you - not keep comparing yourself against everyone else he has dated. Take a look at the ebook and work through its lessons. It's critical to your long term happiness that you get this under control.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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User Submitted Response from a 16-20 year old Male