Because I am Muslim, I told him that he has to ask my mom and dad for my hand.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm 25 and my partner is 29. We met in University as friends. Both of us are from same home country. He was in a 8 month relationship when he got interested in me in university. We became good friends and after 4 months he didn't say anything to me but he started to show interest in me and acted as if i'm his property only. Because I am Muslim, I told him that he has to ask my mom and dad for my hand. I personally never believed in arrange marriages and i was happy that i know him as a friend. My parents accepted him. He went back home and came back. He seemed changed. He rented a room with a friend. He finished university and had no job. He had no money and was not getting lucky to find any job. I helped him by giving him my monthly allowence (150.00). For 2 years, i kept on helping him financially some how. During that period he was able to find short term jobs for 2-3 months and 1-2 months with no job. Our relationship detoriated during this. He started to yell, scream and slowly started to swear at me. I found out that he started to smoke, drink occasionly, and go out with his friends in clubs. We used to argue a lot. He was not honest with me. He had started to ignore my phone calls and showed me that i'm ugly worthless girl. It effected my self esteem a lot. One day i found out that he was chatting with a old girlfriend on msn and has invited her to come a visit him. This was going on for 8 months. When i found this out i decided to finish this relationship. I was hurt and couldn't pull myself together. When i told him its over, he started begging me, cried that this would never happen. I forgave him and things were smoooth for a while then again same cycle started of swearing and lies. Then one day one i caught him on spot smoking, he slapped me and threatened me he will beat me more. I called police and police took him and after giving him warning released him. He apologized to me and we were ok. I used to cook food at my home and drop it at his home because he used to have no food. Once i came to his home and we had a argument. He wanted me to get loan from a bank. His credit history was destroyed so he would never be approved. when I said no he started beating me with a chair. I agreed in a condition that he would pay it back as soon as he gets a job. He found a job and he never paid it back. I started working and paid off that loan in a year. By that time I had decided to leave him. My parents knew things were not good between me and him so they started finding a good match. My parents found one guy and asked me to marry him. I got married but later i found out that the guy my mom and dad picked had illegal status here. He had also lied to me and my family. He was arrested and sent back home(guy which my parents choose). I had to get my marriage annulled. When my university boyfriend found out he came and apologized to my parents about his past behaviour towards me. He said that because he was going through difficult times he did lot of unjustice with me. He returned my loan money. for first 3 months he tried to be sympathic and emotionally caring towards me but then he started accusing me of being unloyal. He started cursing and blaming me that because of my attitude towards him, he was forced into hitting me.

It was very important to tell u all this background. I have never been into any relationship in my life. I want to know is he really worth spending rest of my life with? I always try to help him and be caring towards his emotions. He never shows any love towards me. I don't feel loved and respected when i am with him. He calls me fat and ugly. Because of this my self esteem has detoriated over the years. I don't take care of my self and i always feel unhappy. He still lies to me. He curses me. I think if i got married to him, he will keep on bringing my past marriage. What should i do? I have tried not talking to him for days. Not meeting him, but he always find me at my work, or university and follow me until i agree to what he wants. I'm in this relationship for 4 1/2 years. Thank you for ur help in advance. Advice
The answer is simple. Get away from him. Get a restraining order from the police if you need to. He will never change. A real man does not treat a woman like that. In the Koran it states that a man must protect his wife, that is part of the agreement that is made with the woman's parents. That, given with the fact that he drinks, shows that he does not follow the laws of Islam which you hold so dearly.

Tell your parents about this, too. If they are going to try to find you another husband, ask them to find a kind and gentle man.

If you are going to find a man, look for someone who is nice. It will take time to really trust them, but you know what the warning signs are: they should not hit you, talk down to you, or ask you for money. If any man does this, leave him.

Best wishes and good luck.

Salom alechem.


-- from Marc
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