The Thrill is Gone

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been in a relationship for just over 3 years now. The "thrill" has gone, but he hardly pays any attention to me, never tries to please me, we hardly ever have sex anymore and I'm really unhappy. There is no romance at all and I feel very bored with the relationship.

Apart from this he's a lovely, kind person but he doesn't make me feel the way I need to feel and although I love him and don't know whether I'm in love with him.

My question is... Do I want too much? or is the above normal after 3 years. Advice
Well first, yes it's VERY normal for things to become quite settled and quiet after 3 years. All that new-love rush and lust and everything is part of a new relationship, it's what gets you to first get together. After you've been together for a while you get used to each other, and you're no longer having sex 3 times a day or bringing flowers every evening.

On the other hand, you're still two people who have wants and needs. The trick is that after you've been together for a while you both settle back into your 'normal cycle' and it is very, very common for the two cycles not to match up perfectly. Sometimes the guy wants more sex, sometimes the girl does. Sometimes the guy wants more touching and hugging, sometimes the girl does. The important part is for both to keep talking about what they like, what they want, and what they need so that it's always an obvious point, and so you can find compromises.

What usually happens (and what it sounds like happened here) is that one person just assumes it'll keep going along full blast. The other person settles back into his normal pattern. The first person gets all upset about this change but keeps quiet to keep things happy. The second person is completely oblivious that anything is wrong because as far as he's concerned, things are just right. And things fester.

So step one is to sit down and talk about this. Find a quiet time to chat after dinner with glasses of wine when you're relaxed. Don't make it into a "you don't treat me well enough!" argument. Remember, he probably doesn't even realize you have an issue. Instead, make it into a "I really like it when you ..." talk, and tell him how much you love it when he makes love to you, how you miss his arms around you when you go for a week or two without it. Tell him how much those small things like flowers or love notes mean to you, and how they can lift your spirits for an entire week. He loves you, he cares for you, it makes him happy to hear that you enjoy things he does. It gives him incentive to do them more often.

Then follow through. Set up a sexy environment for him say once a week, where you don't plan anything for the evening, you light a fire, have a delicious dinner, open some Champagne. Write him love notes. Write hearts in the bathroom mirror. This all goes two ways, and if you are proactively setting the mood, he can follow through more easily. If you just sit there saying "please me" it probably won't work.

Also, read my site tips on people who just aren't interested in sex. Maybe he's stressed at work? Maybe something else is bugging him. Lots of things can cause people to be 'off' in their sexual desire. If despite all your efforts he's just not into sex at all, you might start trying to find ways to relax and soothe his life. He might actually want sex subconsciously, but there are other things bothering him or distracting him so he doesn't get the urges up in his conscious mind.

Good luck! There are lots of hints on and about this issue, so you might want to read through them.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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