I'm Jealous of my Boyfriend's Female Friends
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. For the first two years he didn't talk to any of his female friends. We broke up and he decided to get involved with them, however we ended up back together, and now I'm having to deal with his female friends wanting to take him out. Its like they don't even acknowledge the fact that he has a girlfriend.
I told him how I felt and he told me that he wasn't going to stop seeing his female friends. And if it came down to choosing between me and his female friends it would be them. He told them that if they needed anything it didn't matter how I felt about it he would still do it. They know how I feel about certain things, yet they do it anyway and they tell my boyfriend they aren't trying to come between our relationship, but I feel like they are.
I feel that if they were true friends they wouldn't put him in these situations knowing how I feel about it Right? (Ex. One of his female friends asked him to take her to an abortion clinic to get an abortion, she didn't even consider how I felt, didn't ask how I would feel about it or anything. He took her regardless of how I felt.)
After going through this for so long, I broke up with him. He wants us to get back together, but now he is telling me that I am making him choose between me and his friends. And that I am the wrong one. Am I? Am I putting him in the situation to choose between me and his friends? Am I being to stubborn and jealous? What should I do any advice will help...
It sounds like your jealousy has already seriously damaged your current relationship to the point you two have broken up. If your boyfriend came back to you and/or married you, it would only get worse, considering how things have gone.
Your boyfriend's friend needed an abortion - and you were upset at him for keeping her company? You would rather she went alone? I don't see how that is any cause for concern - it's hardly like they went out dancing all night! She was in a very traumatic emotional situation and wanted a good friend with her. He shouldn't have to ask for permission for this, and you shouldn't have tried to keep him from going.
All guys should have female friends, and all girls should have male friends. It's part of having a healthy, well-rounded view of the world. It doesn't sound like these female friends are taking him out dancing until 2am or such. If they do actually go do something like that without you, you need to ask why you weren't invited along. You should be part of that circle of friends too! But to insist he cut off all contact with his friends just because they have female bits and not male bits on their body makes little sense.
I have pages on working on jealousy here -
it really sounds like you have to learn to trust him. If you can't trust your partner, nothing else is going to work.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com