My Boyfriend Stares at Other Women
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend of three years whom i love very much, blatantly stares at other women when he's with me. I've repeatedly asked him to stop but he has not. It bothers me that he stares at women who are the complete opposite of me, i.e. short, stick thin, white.
Am i overeacting? Should i not feel as though he is stepping all over me when he does this? The staring has come to bother me so much that i have been an inch from breaking up with him over this issue multiple times. My friends have noticed the staring because it's so obvious and it makes me very uncomfortable and sad.
My boyfriend's staring problem is a reason why i have not yet introduced him to my parents... I do not want to introduce him to my parents as my "serious" boyfriend when i feel as though i could not live with this staring problem for the rest of my life.
One of the most important things you can have in any relationship is trust. It's not like your boyfriend is calling other women, or dating other women! He's just looking. Yes, they look differently than you do. All of us human beings have a variety of interests. Think of the movies you like. Sometimes you like movies with strong guys, sometimes you like movies with sensitive guys. Even at different times of the month you might be more in the mood for a movie with a romantic guy, or a movie with a strong, powerful guy.
So to say that any human being would only want to ever look at and appreciate a single person is a bit unfair. Would you want to live on a desert island so you only interacted with each other forever and ever - and that was the only way you could trust your boyfriend?
Life is about interacting with others, flirting with others, and appreciating the friendships and beauties of men AND women. But it is also about being with and trusting and respecting each other as your primary interest. So you need to trust your boyfriend, that he isn't preparing to run off with another woman as soon as he finds one that looks appropriate. Which it sort of seems you are worried about.
I have a whole set of pages on jealousy here -
You've tried putting blinders on this guy. But it just hasn't worked. And to be honest, it won't work on any person. Some people might be more obvious than others about looking. But say you two were in a restaurant, and say this simply STUNNING guy walked in, dressed just the way your dream guy would dress, and he looked at you with a heart-stopping smile. Wouldn't you look? Or would you close your eyes because it was the only way to stay true to your partner?
Now with this all being said, I do have to say that RESPECT is always key in a relationship. So yes, he can look. But he of course can't go chase her! He can't get her number to call her later on. And if you guys are talking about something, he shouldn't stop mid-sentence, look past you and then ignore you for 10 minutes solid as he evaluates every last detail of her dress!!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com