He's In Love with Someone Else

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Theres a guy at work that i have strong feelings for. We've worked together for 4 months and several weeks ago became quite friendly.

We've been out a few times and I feel so good in his company. I really feel I can relate to him and feel complete every second I spend with him.

On the basis of this connection I felt that my feelings were reciprocated so I told him how I felt.

He then said he couldnt commit.

I accepted this and told him that I enjoyed being with him and if he found me attractive then why couldnt we just have fun so he agreed to that.

I stayed round his flat about 3 weeks ago in which time we were very close. He touches me in such an affectionate way that ive never been touched before. We shared a bed. No sex or foreplay just holding eachother. This suited me just fine as that is not what im after.

Now he has completely backed off and told me he cant even do that which is very hurtful but i dont want to force him into anything. He also revealed that he has feelings for another girl but when i asked him if he is in love with her he said he doesnt know. Ive also noticed that he contradicts himself alot. e.g He told me a while ago that he cannot have feelings for someone unless there is some kind of physical attraction. He then told me that this girl is not what he classes as physically attractive. Its all very confusing. She is at university so he does not see her often. I asked him if he misses her and he said he does "sometimes". Can you make sense of this? I cant.

He also told me after he broke up with his ex girlfriend he couldnt look at another woman for 2 years. This was about 3-4 years ago.

However, on the basis that i feel this special connection with him I dont want to lose his friendship. I'd love to carry on socialising with him etc but even though ive told him this ive had no feedback.

Could you please advise me on what I should do? Should i play it cool, chase him untill i get what i want?

Id be grateful of any advice you can offer

RomanceClass.com Advice
It's very normal for people to have mixed emotions about relationships. Heck, there are parents who love their kids even while they're angry at them for drawing on the walls with crayons! Life isn't black and white. It's full of all sorts of shades of grey.

So it sounds like this guy builds very strong connections with women he cares for. Which is good. It took him 2 years for him to get over a serious relationship, which is a long time but also relatively normal if it was a multi year relationship. It's actually very good that he took that time rather than leaping into a rebound relationship.

So now he has formed a connection with this university student, one that he cares for but hasn't actually gone long enough to be in love. He's confused because the woman isn't beautiful. This is again something normal. Guys are raised by MTV to believe that the only woman worth loving is one that's sexy and well built. They learn over time that bodies sag and droop, but that the friendship and humor and love of a true female friend will last the ages. So he has that transition to make in his mind.

It sounds like he's hooked on this other woman, and if you try to 'drag him away' he's always going to think of you as the person who took that chance away from him. If you guys fight, he'll think that he should have gone with the other woman and that it is your fault he didn't have that chance.

So if you want, sure, be friends with him. But he has to resolve this other situation on his own. Hopefully he'll realize that what you offer is more than what she offers and choose to go with you! But that has to be his choice, made freely. It really sounds like, if he does choose that, that it'll be a long relationship though!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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