My Friend Loves a Loser

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am desperate for advice about this. My best friend dated this guy for 3 years. Through out there three years together he did nothing for her. He treated her horribly, never buying her flowers or even gifts for birthdays. Once in a while he would get her a carnation he also steals from her.

They had broke up about 2 months ago because she found out he cheated and lied to her. I had told her along with everyone else that he is not worth it and she will not regret it in the future. Well only two weeks later she started talking to him again and then after a month she started sleeping with him again and now they hang out all the time. I asked her if they were back together but she denies it. I love her so much and i know he is a dirt bag. He dosent work, have a car, or any money and he is 23. She supports him.

I have said everything i can to her and she still goes back everytime. What can i do? it has been eating at me for weeks now. I don;t understand why she still goes back everytime. Advice
It has to be said, people make really stupid decisions in life. Ever see the movie Oliver? The female lead in the story really loves a jerk. The jerk beats her up, takes her money, abuses her and more. The female stays with him anyway because "As long as he needs me" she'll be there. She wants to feel needed. She also doesn't have much self esteem, and staying with a 'mean guy' sort of reinforces that she's not worth much, meaning it's hard for her to leave and be on her own. It's a viscious circle.

A partner should ALWAYS be supportive, caring and help you reach your goals. It sounds like this guy is the anti-partner. But she gets to feel needed and important. She knows that this jerk would be alone without her, and that's a pretty powerful feeling.

You can talk until you're blue in the face and she'll still stay because she wants to feel needed and loved, and feels like this guy is her only chance for those emotions. So take a different approach. Find ways for her to be in situations with people who value her for her GOOD traits instead of because they want to use her. Get involved with her in a club in a skill she has - quilting, birding, mountain biking, whatever it is. You and she can meet a group of people to hang out with that are fun, have jobs, and who really like her for what she is. The better she feels about herself, and the more guys she meet who love her for her talents, the less she'll find it worth it to stay with a guy whose only use for her is to mistreat her.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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