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A Love Quote
Love will not always linger longest - With those who hold it in too clenched a fist. -- Alice Duer Miller



She's Using Me as a Safety Net



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I met a beautiful girl three years ago... Could've sworn we were soulmates and after getting to know here for a couple of months, told her that I liked her and that I wanted to go out. She was flattered but said she didn't want to date anyone for a while.

We stayed friends but not that close after that night when I expressed my feelings (thoughts, emotions, etc., etc.).

She transferred to my university a year and a half later. About a month ago, we randomly bumped into each other (or was it fate?). She wanted to tag along for lunch... and we had the most splendid conversation... Splended for me anyway cause all those feelings flooded right back.

But she has a boyfriend! I knew this so I damned up my lovesick imaginations.

Two weeks later I see her at a party. She's with cute friend I've never met... I take interest in the friend... After the party, I tell her that I like her friend. She says, "Oh," and slams the door to her car. Two days later I e-mail her, telling her why I liked her friend. Two hours after that, I get a phone call... She tells me I have the worst timing ever, and goes on to say that during the party, she was trying to figure out her feelings for me, that if she wasn't with her boyfriend, she'd want to date me. So I ask, why are you with your boyfriend... And her very honest answer is that she doesn't know where their future is going because he's changed so much... She wants to see if he'll revert back to his old self before, then gain perspective on where there future can go, admitting all the while that at that point her feelings for me will also play a role in deciding that...

I'm in limbo (not sure I've asked a question). If this wasn't the girl I could've sworn I was to be with a few years back, I would've forgotten the whole mess as soon as she told me how she felt...

Any advice?




RomanceClass.com Advice
I'd be really cautious here. This girl had AMPLE opportunity to date you. She brushed you off. But now that her boyfriend is on the rocks, she's feeling insecure, in a "what would I do without him??" sort of way. She depends on him for all of her love and affection. She doesn't want to be alone. These are the sorts of feelings that just about everyone in a difficult relationship goes through - weighing the trouble of staying vs the trouble and loneliness of leaving.

So along you come, and PLUNK you're an instant safety net. Now she knows that if she does give up on her boyfriend, you'll be right there waiting to catch her. She doesn't have to be alone, she doesn't have to feel unwanted or uncared for. She'll just have you take care of her.

Everybody who breaks up has to do so because they truly and honestly want to leave their ex - and needs a good amount of time to get through the rebound on their own. Otherwise they are just using the new person (i.e. you) to get through that pain and anguish and then are likely to leave them or to run back to their partner when they feel better. There are just SO many rebound disaster stories on this site that I can't even begin to name them all. Dating on the rebound is a REALLY really bad idea.

It's especially telling that she doesn't bother to tell you any of this until you show an interest in another girl - now she's jealous. Her safety net is slipping away - oh no! Now she'll actually have to DEAL with this relationship situation instead of just easily escaping it and using you until she gets back onto her feet!

I'm not saying she's some sort of evil seductress out to harm you. But everybody tends to look out for themselves. She's in an unhappy relationship and instead of actually talking to her boyfriend and dealing with it, she's looking for an easy out. So she'll use you as a trampoline. Sure, she'll be happy with you for a short while while she gets over the breakup trauma. But when she's done with that, the chances of her staying are slim. Because again, in the past she had that chance and didn't think it was a good fit for her. The chances of her spontaneously now appreciating you long term aren't the best.

I would go after the cute friends and keep this other girl as a friend - but an arms length friend. Don't let her use you as a crutch. If she doesn't like her boyfriend, she should tell him and get through the breakup. If she DOES like her boyfriend as she claims, the LAST thing she should be doing is contemplating taking off on him and/or cheating on him. What she SHOULD be doing is focussing 100% of her time and energy on making things better instead of just letting them be bad, blaming him and looking for fun elsewhere.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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