Age Difference is Creating a Divide

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi, my boyfriend and I have known each other for 4 years and have been in a exclusive committed relationship for 1 and a half of those years. Both of us are very happy with our present relationship, though it is not a traditional relationship. I am 27 and he is 54. The age has never been a problem between us or either of our friends or families. In fact, everything was perfect until I mentioned that down the road (5 or so years) I would like to live together.

Given his age and his life experience he does not want to travel that road again. He enjoys his space and personal time (as so do I). However, given my age and place in life, I want the opportunity to experience that next step in our relationship. Right now I go to his house on Fri. and stay through Mon. night, we usually do not see each other on Tue through Thur. and this is our personal time apart. I value this time as much as he does, but I cannot picture myself living out of my suitcase each weekend as I visit him for the next 10 years.

I am at a loss as of what to do. I do not want to ask him to make a life changing decision that may lead to him resenting me, but I do not want to "waste" my time if there is no possibility of the type of future I want either. Do you have any advice you can offer me? Advice
We are all different humans. We all have different needs. The trial and error of relationships is finding someone who truly matches your needs and wants. There are lots of "almost perfects" out there, like you two. But for each of you there are also many "nearly exactly perfects" out there too. I.e. for him it'd be someone who has her own house and is happy visiting on weekends. For you that would be someone who wants to live together.

Lots of couples live apart and are quite happy that way. The Spenser for Hire series is based on a couple that is exactly like that. I agree with you that for me personally it would really suck. I would not be happy in that relationship. Neither would you. So if that is what you want, sadly, you may need to find someone else to do that with.

You can't force him to be happy living together. He can't force you to be happy living apart. Some things just don't work well with compromise. It'd be like if one person really wanted kids, and the other really hated kids. There are some situations where it's best to accept the difference is large, that you can be best friends for life - but that you need someone else to partner up with.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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