I Cheated, She Left and Won't Come Back

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I was with my exgirlfriend for 4 years... We started dating four years ago... then she went on a family holiday for 2 weeks and while she was away I went on a work night out and got so drunk that I kissed a girl.. Now this lasted about 5-10 seconds... Anyway I felt so guilty..

So when my exgirlfriend returned home the following week I confessed that we should break up without giving her any reasons.. she was very very upset and wanted to know why .. I told her I had met somebody else ( I hadnt but felt so guilty) , I will never know why I told her that I met somebody else.. All it was was a drunken kiss...

She was devastated... she rang her dad and he collected her... Over the next coming weeks .. I would text/message her asking could we talk.. but would never get a reply.. Now what I did next was stupid.. I was getting drunk every night and sending her rude messages.... and would ring her every saturday night for 3 weeks at 3am... ( we used do this before when we were together.. we would ring each other after niteclub to see how we were)

She changed her phone number.. The 1st time that i saw her was 4 weeks after we split up.. she asked me to meet up with her.. and she returned some of my things...

Over the next 4-5 months I would send her letters every weeks asking her to give me a 2nd chance, begging, pleading... I would text her sister as well... My friends told me to move on and that she said that she will get the law involved if i send her more letters...

What did i do.? I sent more letters... I went to Chicago on holidays for 2 weeks in october with my parents...( me and her had talked about moving to chicago for a couple of years)... Well I brought her home a lot of presents...
When I came home I texted her sister to see can she arrange us meeting up.. We met up the following week which would have been the weekend of our 4.5 year anniversary... She didnt want to accept the gifts as ' I would get the wrong idea'... She took them anyway but repeated that we wont be getting back together...

Before Xmas I sent her an xmas card and a few more letters... I found out that she has moved out of home... So I cant contact her now.. dont know where she lives and I dont have her phone number....

I met her new years eve in pub.. I approached her.. she didnt want to talk at first.. but I said my bit.. she was holding her friends hand for support and when I mentioned the incident of kissing another girl. she started crying so I walked away..
I gave up alcohol on xmas day as that was what caused all of this to happen.. sometimes when drunk i would criticise her on her weight and lack of makeup.. but I was drunk.. i never meant to say these things... Now I have given up alcohol and Im emailing a counsellor every day.. and she is helping me be a better person...

8 weeks ago i met her in a pub.. I approached her and she said ' hi' .. It was my 1st time seeing her since the end of the year... I said maybe we can talk in a few weeks or months.. she just shrugged. i asked her how she was, how was work going...etc

The following week I met her in a pub.. we have mutual friends.. I saw her and i turned to jelly.. she still has that effect on me.. Anyway I didnt want to go over to her as didnt know what the reaction would be...

But went to the bar and when i came back my brother was talking to her and her sister... so I decided to go over too... She said ' Hi '. I said hello and said maybe we can talk in a few weeks.. I can show you my new tattoo'. she started to laugh...

Now it was like old times.. she hadnt smiled or laughed at me in a long time... Now I started every piece of conversation.. everything was going well until the topic of getting back together was brought up... she said we will never be getting back together.. I said ' maybe in the future' , she said ' Never'...she said I dont deserve a 2nd chance. I asked her was she happy been single and meeting different guys every weekend.. she said she was happy...... I said take care and walked away.. that was 7 weeks ago..

Now I know I was stupid.. Alcohol was a big factor involved.. I have given up alcohol now and am seeing a counsellor... she knows about this..

Now Im not a violent or abusive boyfriend.. i never raised a hand to her but when drunk as said before I would comment on her weight.. the thing is though she was not heavy.. I dont know why ...but I have given up alcohol now.... better late than never...

Now some of my friends are saying to leave her alone and to move on.. while others are saying give her time and she will come back...
I dont think there is a guy in her life at the moment..but Im not sure..

We were solid though me and her.. In fact our last month together was probably our best.. she lived 150 miles away from me , so we would only see each other at weekends... it was my cousins wedding, me and her 4 year anniversary, and her 23rd birthday.. So we saw a lot of each other..

Im 100% responsible for the breakup of our relationship.. But telling me I dont deserve a 2nd chance , in my opinion is harsh... I have seen her maybe 6-7 times in the 8 months that we have split up.. We used to talk 3-4 times a day.....she was to move home and we were to move in together... We used to talk about marriage and babies...She is ' The One' .. I really think she is..

I dont know what to do.. She says that eventually we will be friends but nothing more... But she wanted to marry me... 12 months ago.. my brother got engaged and she was happy but jealous too as we were going out a year longer than my brother and his girlfriend.. also 12 months ago she thought she was pregnant with my child.. when she found out that she wasnt she was upset ( we both love kids, she works in a creche)

Im sorry for such a long email but Its 9 and a half months since we split and things arent looking great so you guys are my last hope..
Also just wondering if you think its too late for a reconciliation.. but we were in love for 4 years.. I still am in love with her.. I cant get her out of my head

I know i messed up big time.. Now i havent seen or heard from her in 7 weeks.. I have no ways in contacting her.. she has changed her phone number.. I wrote her a letter last week asking for a 2nd chance.. i sent it to her family home as she has moved out.. please any advise please would be great

RomanceClass.com Advice
There are several things here. You got drunk, i.e. set yourself up for a loss of control. You in essence cheated on her by kissing another woman. Then you lied to her about the whole thing. So you've established that you might cheat in some situations, and might lie in some situations. Those aren't things that the average person in a relationship wants to deal with. With so many honest people out there in the world, why would someone choose to be with a known liar? How could you know in the future that they were telling the truth, or doing more deceptions?

In addition, you apparently were emotionally abusive at times - so things weren't great in the first place. Very few women want to be emotionally abused by their partner in life. The lying / cheating incident may have been the final straw that broke the camel's back.

If she really was "the one", I wonder why you mistreated her. "The one" is usually someone you treat with respect, not someone you treat with disrespect.

You need to give her time, and you need to make sure you are fully over your drinking and ready to give this your best shot. She was never getting that in the past. Then write her a long letter, explain that you have completely given up drinking, and that the behaviors of your past that were caused by drinking are therefore in the past as well. Tell her that you fully understand her unhappiness with your drinking, because it caused you great pain as well. Tell her that you have put that all behind you and am now a new, more mature, sober man. Ask her to be FRIENDS with this new you. If you can start on a friendship level, that is the best way to renew your relationship and see where things go from there.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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