He Cheated with a Woman who Slept Around
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. Previously in our relationship, we had some issues with one of his female "friends" who "passed out drunk" in his room. I found out that nothing happened, but it was still the fact that it happened.
Now, we have been pretty serious for about 7-8 months, she wasn't in the picture after that incident, because she pretty much knew better. Until recently, I heard that she was pregnant and it may be his child. I automatically didn't believe it because me and him were doing so well and i am so much in love, and marriage was up in the air.
I confronted him, he denied and then finally told me everything. He had cheated on me 2 months prior to this, she had sex with 2 other males and doesn't know who the father is. My boyfriend says, it was a huge mistake, and that he used protection.
I just don't know what to do. I know it's ultimately up to me but can you help?
Wow, this is really going to be a tough one for you. Trust is THE most important thing you can possibly have in a relationship. Sex comes and goes. You have fights, you get over them. You could have jobs, you could be laid off. But the one thing you always have is each other and your trust that the other person is really dedicated to making this work.
He just shattered this. He fooled around with another woman and didn't tell you?? Not only that, but this was a woman who was sleeping around with other guys? Is he really going to tell you that that piece of rubber is a 100% prevention method against diseases which could KILL You?? Pregnancy was probably the least of the concerns here. What if he got AIDS and gave it to you, and now you were going to die? Of COURSE she could get pregnant, condoms aren't foolproof. I think stats are around 5% fail. Would he play Russian Roulette with those odds? Not only with his own life, but with yours??
It also really bothers me that you confront him with this when the GIRL IS OBVIOUSLY PREGNANT and he STILL keeps lying. What was he going to do, lie right up until the baby was born and DNA tests proved it and then say OOOPS? This sounds like a guy who enjoys you, but enjoys other things too - and isn't going to get something like a relationship with you get in his way of "total fun". If he's going to view you as his Mommy that he has to work around to do what he wants to do, this is never going to work. Either he's 100% for the relationship or he's not. If he's looking out for himself, he's NOT looking out for the relationship first. And that means the NEXT time he gets tempted - and believe me, temptations only get worse as you get older - what are the chances he says "Oh right, must stay true to my girlfriend, I will just walk away" ... or will he say "THIS time she'll never find out ..."
If you really do want to make this work, I highly recommend a therapist to work with you both, especially him. But I have to say, you've only been with him a year. Heck, people grow out of a pair of clothes in a year and get new ones. A real relationship is one that lasts 20, 30 or 40 years or more. That's an awfully long time to be with someone that you can't rely on. If it's going to work, that foundation needs a LOT of work to hold things up.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com