My Husband Cheated with Two of my Friends
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Me and my boyfriend have been together seriously for 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and lost our virgnity to each other. We now have a six month old daughter together.
I just found out he was sleeping with one of my best friends [of 8 years] for several months, and then he had sex with my very best friend [of 5 years] who I lived with and messed around with her even after our daughter was born. He only told me because the friends told each other and one felt guilty and told a different friend, who told him she would tell me if he didn't.
I am trying to make things work for the sake of our daughter. But I am heartbroken. I have known for two and a half weeks and it only seems to be getting worse. I am just so hurt and angry. And I feel so insecure, especially sexually because this whole time I thought I was all he ever needed and he just happened to choose my two most sexually experienced friends, one of whom would brag to anyone within listening distance about how good she was.
At several points in our relationship, we have had discussions which I initiated about whether he would like to see other people just because I knew we were young and I didn't want him to feel trapped. I have always told him that though I love him, I would rather him break up with me than cheat on me, because I have seen it tear apart my own family. I thought that we had something truly special, and I had completely trust that he would never cheat on me.
We had argued over his looking at porn, but I figured that was just a guy thing, and ar least it was just pictures. I don't understand how he could do this because I have never lusted after someone else since we became serious.
I don't know how to forgive or move on. Really the only thing keeping me going is our daughter.
He assures me that it was not me, that he always felt disgusted afterwards, and that it wasn't like "making love", it was "just sex". But I can't stop these insecurities. I know I am a pretty young woman, and I already am back in shape after the baby, and I am intelligent and kind. I can honestly say that the worst thing I've ever done was nag him, and that was before all of this stuff even happened. I just don't know what was missing. I feel like I wasn't good enough and I can't stop wondering about everything that happened. My self-esteem is at an all time low.
Any advice? How can I work towards forgiveness, and how can I get over these insecurities? How can I stop all of these horrible mental pictures of it all and wondering if he liked it better (or else why would he keep doing it)?Sorry this is so long but I only have one friend left and I need advice from an objective source.
Once would be bad enough, and if he'd told you and apologized it would have been one thing. But this is twice, and he was intending to lie to you eternally about it. Undoubtedly he would have found other women too.
I would really break up with this guy. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you. No relationship can work when full time lying is involved in it. Also, your child deserves to grow up in a home with honesty, trust and love.
People who lie always have excuses about why they do it. The fact that he can't even take responsibility for his actions is the final straw as far as I'm concerned.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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They will suffer