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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain



Long Distance Relationship with an Ex



Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
Last year, as a senior in high school, I dated a wonderfully charming girl towards the beginning of the year. She was absolutely incredible to be around, and we had a lot in common. Unfortunately, to this day I have no idea why, but I felt intimidated by her. I guess it was perhaps finding someone that I really didn't want to lose, and that's why I couldn't always express how I felt. That usually led to a lot of nervousness, tension, and desire to impress her rather than just being natural and confident in myself. Well, I felt it coming after a while, and she decided it was best to break it off. It hurt for some time, but as the year progressed, we got to know each other better and became good friends. After she dated one of my best friends for a while(which I was cool with, because I was doing fine and was dating other girls at the time) they broke up after Prom. I still remain good friends with both of them (although I tread lightly when talking to either of them about the other), but now that I'm in college out of state and I've started casually talking with her again, I've realized that I still have feelings for her and I'd like to get back with her. I'm not sure if it's just the fact that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I miss her dearly and I will see her in a few short days as I fly home for Thanksgiving. I'd really appreciate any advice that you might have as to how I might approach this situation and how I could maintain a healthy relationship with her despite the distance. Thanks.




RomanceClass.com Advice
It's good that you see what helped cause the initial breakup, because that's really key in any hopes of getting back together. It does sound like you were worried about losing her, so went out of your way to impress her, which then ended up driving her away. People want to date real people, not cardboard figures of perfection :)

I do have lots of tips on long distance relationships here -

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveCat/54711

but I also have to warn you that it's really hard to do that in college. College life is full of tons of available, hormone-rich males and females just mixing together constantly. To try to stay true to someone far off when there are lots of parties, things to do, dinners to eat, movies to see locally can be very hard.

I'd start with just building up a strong friendship. Build the communication between you two. Email often. Send letters. Send little gifts. Share funny stories about your lives. As time goes on, you'll be emailing more and more, and growing closer and closer. There may be a point where that connection is strong enough that you want to try really dating that way, but build up to it.

I also wouldn't shut out completely any 'local girls' while you do this. It may be that your long distant friend becomes your best friend in life, but that you both end up with other partners. That could be great too, only time will tell what works best for you.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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