He's Hung Up on the Title
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
This guy and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half. We have everything a relationship can have, but the title. We argue, we do things together, basically live together and most importantly we love each other a lot. But he will not claim me as his girlfriend. He says he has too much going on right now and that he can't give that time to me.
I really feel there is no difference between the title, but he says there would be more and I want to find out what that means. He doesn't cheat on me or says he wants to be with anyone but me.
Is this worth arguing over all the time or even staying how we are with eachother? Is this relationship worth saving?
On one hand, I have to say that titles are meaningless. I know couples who are together for 20 years or more who never got married - but who are the closest you can possibly be and totally happy. I know people who got "married" and who didn't last six weeks. So really the most important thing you can possibly have is a connection with the person you're with, no matter what you call it.
That being said - he's not even willing to call you his girlfriend?? One of the WORST things that happens to relationships is that people expect a title is going to change things. It really sounds like he thinks if he calls you his girlfriend, you are going to change and demand things from him! So it is all in his brain. And obviously it would make you happy to be able to be his girlfriend.
So sit down with him. Explain to him that you ARE his girlfriend already based on how you two are behaving. There is NOTHING different that would happen if you took the title. At this point it is solely his fear of commitment and change that is causing a problem. Tell him that you're just going to start referring to yourself as his girlfriend and to him as your boyfriend because that is what you are. You love each other, care for each other. People are boyfriend and girlfriend who live thousands of miles apart!! It has NOTHING to do with time spent together or anything else.
Then try it for 2 weeks and show him that it doesn't change anything but his own internal brain thoughts :) Hopefully he will realize that it was his fear of commitment that was interrupting and no actual reality issues. If he can't get past this issue with just boyfriend/girlfriend, how is he ever going to cope with any more serious label?
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com