I Caught Him Scouring the Web for Sex
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have currently found tons and tons of dating sites where my boyfriend has posted himself as wanting nothing but sex. Looking for sex, etc. He doesn't disclose his current relationship status. (We have been together for almost 3 years and have an 8 month old son together). I have taken his internet searching to a whole new level. I signed up for one of the sites he is posted on but I used a fake name. We have been communicating back and forth and am so close to "meeting" him. We email eachother and chat.
He is very candid about what he wants. However, he told her he has a girlfriend but is not into her anymore. And etc. (things you would never want to hear from your boyfriend.)
My question for you is, what is my next step. He took my bait and is running with it, so to speak. How should I confront him. I am afraid to tell him that I am actually this woman he is communicating with. I am afraid of being portrayed as being crazy. I need to find a way to confront him about this and of course break up with him. But I need to play him for a fool since he is trying to play me for a fool which he knows is my number one rule. NEVER play me for a fool because you will get caught.
The "Other" Woman
Wow, do you hear the Pina Colada song playing in the background when you do this? This is the classic situation! You need to sit down now and make a decision about what YOU want - what is best for you and your child. This could involve the long, difficult process of getting this guy of yours back to reality where he actually respects and honors the woman at his side. Or this could involve the short, relatively easy process of dumping him and telling him to go risk his health somewhere else.
He's obviously not looking out for what is best for you or the family. So you have to. I would find someone to talk to - a minster, therapist, whoever. Don't even consider the whole sex-web thing. Just consider the 'can I really make the effort to work with him on this' issue. I personally would say that a guy at this extreme is not worth saving but you have the time and energy into the relationship. Although I have to say that 3 years in the grand scheme of things is nothing at all. Three years is only half of elementary school. If you found a new, great guy and were with him for 4 years, you'd probably not even remember this sex-slave you're currently burdened with.
In any case, let's say you choose to stay and work with it. Definitely enlist a therapist and bring up the general issue in front of the therapist. If he tries to deny it, then say that you know one of the people in question. Get him to admit it without saying it was you - you can bring that out later as you two are healing. Your aim there would be to help him heal, not to beat on him.
But let's say you choose to abandon this guy and find a better life for you and your child. I then do have a twinge of evility lurking in me and think that maybe a dose of his own medicine might be a large wake-up call for him. I suppose it depends on how vindictive you feel he can be and/or if he could actually tend towards violence. Remember, you have a kid involved here. I would get a new place to live lined up and get everything ready to go. Then arrange for him to meet his 'girl' at a hotel an hour or so away from home for sex. That way you know that if he goes there he really is planning on having sex with ... well with you. Take the day off and get some friends to help you and your child move out of the house. Don't take his stuff, don't hurt his stuff. You don't want him to be able to claim you were unfair here. You want it clearly to be him that was out of line.
Then have the hotel have a note waiting for him there, and have it say that you (i.e. net girl) found you could not respect a man who would betray a woman who depended on him. That a man who could do that could not be trusted to be relied on in any way - and with the deadly dangers of sexual contact in the world, it's not something to play games with. I'm sure you can think up some sort of note :)
So now he trudges home. And waiting for him at home is ... the exact same note again, from you. So now he realizes that his slimy behavior has lost him everything, but he doesn't have any 'righteous anger' or 'she was evil!' or anything else to fall back on. All he has is an empty house and nobody to be there with him. As much as he might claim he is unhappy and wants sex - he obviously didn't leave you. He just wanted cheap sex TOO. Well, once that is ALL he can have, he'll realize very quickly just how lonely it is.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com