The Partner Competition

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Hi I have just come out of a 4 year relationship with my boyfriend i met when 15. We slept together after 8 months into the relationship as it was my first and i wanted it to be special. He was the only person i had been with. My feelings had changed and i ended it.

Recently I have started dating a older man. He is 29 and I am 19. We get along really well. and after 6 weeks i have slept with him. i dont regret doing this.

I like spending time with him but because he is 10 years older it is in the back of my mind that he has done so much more stuff and that i need to live my life more. He was in a relationship for 7 years and the reason they split up is because she did the dirty on him so he went behind her back to do the same. Then he met someone else for a couple of months and that didnt work. These are the two women that he said he has been with and i am jealous because he has slept with them but for the last 2/3 years he's been single. I wonder how many partners he has actually had. I need to ask but dont know how.

I've only had the one and he was also a virgin so this is making it more difficult to accept that he has had more than one partner.... or slept around. Please get back to me as soon as possible. Thank you Advice
You make it sound like it's some sort of competition! If he saw an ostrich in 8th grade, would you have to go out to see an ostrich too? If he went to Paris in 11th grade, would you now have to go to Paris? Sure, he has different intimacy experiences than you have. Everybody has! Many people get married with NO sexual experience. The only thing that matters in a relationship is how YOU relate to your PARTNER.

What if he had 5 partners but all of them were awful? Would that make you feel better? But what if that meant that he was now awful in bed because he didn't have any good instruction? Wouldn't that be bad for you?

Now what if he had 5 partners and all of them were great - meaning he now was really good at sex? And now that he's in love with you, he is focussing all that skill and talent on pleasing you, and teaching you, and together you reach great new heights together?

If you are feeling inadequate and jealous, you really need to address that. If you are going to sabotage relationships you are in to 'get better than him', you're never going to be happy. The whole point of partnerships is that the two of you raise each other to new heights together. It should NOT be about one of you running off to outdo the other.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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