My Husband has Lost Interest in Sex

Visitor's Question from a 51-60 year old Female
My husband is the love of my life. We are in our fifties and been together 10 years. For the first few years we had the most amazing sex life, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. But for the past 4 years he has been impotent and for the past 6 months he has no desire to even cuddle me, and he has stopped saying he loves me unless I drag it out of him. He has high BP, and sleep apnoea. He works very hard, and is also upset that he cannot make love. Viagra makes him sick.

In January he suggested that I find someone else for sex. I yearn for the old physical relationship we have. I have met a man who is in a similar situation to mine, he and I have met for lunch and coffee, and he is very very keen to see me...says he thinks about me all the time, and has to control himself not to phone me or try to see me every day. We haven't had sex yet, but we have discussed it, and both want to....except I feel nervous and sick thinking about what I am doing, maybe I am risking my relationship with my husband...

he SAID go and get a lover but saying it may be different to his reaction if I told him that I have! I don't want to rub his nose in his inability to satisfy me. If only he could cuddle me I think I could cope, but he just doesn't seem to want any physical contact. I am not ugly, still have a good body, men still find me attractive. Advice
A lot of older men are in his situation. It can be extremely frustrating. It's of course frustrating for the woman who is now "abandoned". He probably would enjoy cuddling but because he feels so frustrated and bad about not being able to please you, even cuddling with you reminds him of that and makes him feel badly too.

I would NOT cheat - that never makes things better. What I would do is hook up for a couples' counselling session. Go in and talk about it and talk about - with a third person present - the idea of an external relationship. See if it really is a honest offer or something he said out of guilt. If it's a honest offer and he agrees to this guy, then that is an open relationship. People do get through open relationships but it has to be planned VERY carefully for it to work, it isn't something you should jump into without his knowledge. You never know though - maybe with some real discussion about the issue, he will become more opening to cuddling, and that might be enough.

You have to keep in mind the very real danger that if you begin being close to another man, you'll damage your connection with your husband and end up divorced. The whole point of monogamy is to prevent that very situation from happening. "Casual Sex" often changes over time - and something you feel is innocent to start will become destructive very quickly.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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