Is She Just Flirting or Does She Like Me?

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I have a problem. I am 19 years old and work at the rec center at my college. I like this girl I work with (also 19) very, very much. She is a tom-boy and has a lot of male friends (however not "loose" or "slutty" in any way). She is also very sweet and kindhearted. We have worked together for approx. 7 months. We are friends (although not close) but so far have not hung-out outside of work (although there have been 2-3 oppourtunities with our mutual friends, who are a couple, I was busy). However if we run into each other at say the dining center on campus, we will hang and chat for a while.

She could be described as a bit flirty, and I have seen her do it to a few of the other guys that work there as well as guys that come in. However there are a few things that make me beleive I am different. First, let me say that I am positive she knows I like her, although I am also positive she has no idea how much. I truly care about this girl and have never felt this strongly about someone before. If i do say so myself, i am an old-school gentleman and a nice guy. I am shy but am working on it. I am also about 45lbs. overweight but working like crazy to get into better shape. (She is in good shape, and i am positive that a guys physical condition is important to her).

I bought her small, thoughtful, gifts for both her birthday and christmas last year, as signs of how i feel and just because i care about her. She was surprised and found it very sweet. About that flirting: She will do things like hugs, touch my shoulder, lean into/on me, playfully kick me in the behind, and on one occasion smacked me in the behind. We exchange text messages and I have a pet name for her: "pooky" which makes her laugh when i say it (I only say it when we are by ourselves). When i gave her the xmas gift she gave me a big hug, rocking back and forth then rubbed my face with her hands, while standing close.

Here is my problem: I do not know if she likes me back. I do not know if she is flirting because she has feelings or if shes just doing it. She knows i like her but we have never talked about it. She has never told me to "stop" or told me that the feelings are not mutual. I believe it would be very mean to continue to flirt with someone who you know likes you and you have no interest whatsoever in. I highly doubt she is doing this because she is so kindhearted and would never do that.

She has gone out with a few guys that come into the rec center, although i do not think it led anywhere, as she has no boyfirend. Once we talked about relationships in general and she mentioned she would rather be friends with a guy first, then date. However she asked out another guy just today. I beleive there could be something there, but i think my weight (I am 5-11, 218) is the problem.

Now, before you tell me it should not matter let me say that in college, when you are 19, it does in fact matter. She is not a health nut and does not play sports except for fun, but i know that it is important to her. I am in the process of losing the weight for myself, but she is a major motivation.

This girl is everything I have ever wanted in a girl and i find her adorable. I really am going nuts here trying to figure this out and i am terrified of blowing this could-be oppourtunity. Because i am a shy idiot, i believe i may have "missed the train". I did not always flirt back with her when she did with me, and i think i may have blown my chance. She still knows i like her, but the flirting has seriously slowed. I have not recieved a hug since January, but then again i have not hugged her either. The playful kicks and leaning still happen on occasion.

She sent me a "happy vday" text message at 10:00pm Valentines day, and i later found out she spent the night at home after work, however i was sick and fell asleep and did not get the message until the day after. It is the belief of my friends that she may have wanted to hang out, although it was never mentioned by her the next time i saw her.

Have i blown my chance? How does she really feel? Please help me! I think i love this girl and am on a constant emotional rollercoaster of "does she or does'nt she?" Any help would be greatly appreciated. Advice
I really do have to say that weight does NOT matter even in college. I know a ton of couples in college who were not the MTV type and who were completely happy with each other. If a particular person is obsessed with looks, that is their failing, it is not a cultural issue that is unavoidable.

So if she's obsessed with physical shape, well you can't change that. You can accept it as one of her flaws and go from there. You can work on your own shape to try to "meet her profile", as much as I personally have to believe that isn't a good way to have a relationship. In the meantime, she's already friends with you. So be friends! Take her to a movie or to a fun new restaurant. Friends do that all the time. I have a ton of tips on the site about how to 'ramp up' a friendship - take it one day at a time.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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