Dealing with a Breakup
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am 22 years old and in college, and i dated this girl for three years, and was very much in love with her, and still am. We are both attending different schools and are 4 hours apart. We recently broke up and she has started seeing other people. I talked to her the other day and she told me this. Of course I was really hurt, but i told her that I want her to be happy and I hope that she finds whatever it is that she is looking for in life. But at the same time I still love and care for this girl more than anything, and would like to get back together with her. Im not sure really how to go about this, or if I even should.
My first thought is to stop talking to her altogether, but im afraid that we will loose contact all together. And if I continue to talk with her, that makes me feel like she will never give us another chance. At the same time as much as I want to be with her, I don't want to sit around with false hope that maybe some day we can be together again. I feel that this is the girl that i could spend the rest of my life with. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. Any ideas???? Thanks
Breakups are never easy, and in general you might want to read some of the advice I have on breaking up -
It will always be painful to start with and take a while to heal, no matter which way things go. So be sure to take care of yourself during this.
If you're four hours apart, did she break up with you over the phone? This is really one of the WORST ways to break up, it doesn't let you really talk to each other and ask questions and explain things. So I would really ask her to get together with you just to talk about the relationship, because any relationship that ends needs closure. You both deserve to talk about the relationship, what went well, what didn't go well, so you understand why it ended and can do things differently going forward. It's part of being old enough to date, is being old enough to break up in a way that helps you both go on.
It's only by having this discussion with her that you'll know if you have a chance again with her. Long distance relationships are really hard to maintain and take two committed people. It might be that she simply met someone else at her school, and it was so much easier to date someone right there, that could help her with homework and take her to dinner. Unfortuantely that does happen a fair amount with long distance relationships. Love is really sweet, but if your love is never nearby and someone else is, it can happen.
If it wasn't that, if there were other things going on, you deserve to know about them, so you can watch for them in the future. If she was feeling neglected or something, it would be good to know why, in case you're in a distance relationship in the future and want to do things differently.
Assuming she has issues that can be addressed, it can certainly work in the future once you address those issues. But if she simply says that she found someone new that was right there for her, it would be time to find someone new for yourself. In that case it's actually a good thing that you really liked her, because that means that you found out what things really attract you in a person. Many people don't figure that out for years and years! There are tons of dateable people in college, it's one of the easiest places in the world to find a date. Once you're out of college things get much tougher :) So now that you're in an easy-date place and have already figured out the things you enjoy in a date, keep your eyes open and go to events that girls tend to attend. Join a club or two. I think you'll find another girl that is just right for you, if not even better than your previous girlfriend. And you'll probably find that having her right there with you all the time is really, really nice.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com