She's Extremely Demanding

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I was thinking about my now nearly-3 years with my girlfriend. Right now I am very confused. The main issue we are facing is that from October last year on, she's working from monday to friday at a local school way distant from the place we both live (we are not living together anyway, just we both live in the same city). She was assigned there (she's a primary teacher) and as the education worker law in my country is, she doesn't have the option to change work places (if she resigns to the work destination, then she losses all future work opportunities alltogether). She's been suffering a lot from this scenario, because we were planning to get married next Autumn but then we had to pospond the deadline (had fixed only an appx. date, didn't begin any preparative formal issues yet).

Basically, she was very upset about me telling her I didn't think marrying this year was a good idea, because of the distance to her work, and the fact that lately almost we are doing is "survive thru the weekends" for our dates etc. Every now and then I plan some romantic dinner, or special walks, etc, but she seems to not be that interested after all, because she puts a lot of trouble to commit our romantic ideas at the end. Also, she is always like sad and crying for non-senses at every moment. Heaven knows I make all my efforts to compliment her, hug her, LISTEN to her problems, and stuff, but all my efforts she takes down the drain because of her low self-steem. She feels miserable for us not being able to "commit the wedding we planned", even if I have reasurred her tons of time about me wanting to marry her too, but not this year (I myself have some indetermination in my work contract, and I need to renove my own work contract precisely this autumn). It seems she can't see why I would need to get a bit more secure about my own work chances in the future.

By the way, she is getting upset when her family asks her about "when is the wedding going", she gets sad because she feels as if she had to "demonstrate" that we will get indeed married some day. She is now 29 years old (I am 30) and is starting to feel desperate, she says she thinks she is no longer beautiful (even if I sincerely tell her so lots of time).

This is getting me nuts, because it seems all my efforts to get the relationship working she doesn't appreciate because of this "stigma" she thinks she has with her work. I even told her to resign to the work, that I would try to provide for our future family and she doesn't need to work at all costs. But then she is indecise, she tells me she really likes her work but the "far work" issue is what is bothering her most. She doesn't have any inniciative, doesn't provide any ideas, just demands me to be "more romantic" to her but then won't like my efforts or won't work along with me to commit our dinner dates, etc,etc.

Also, she had her driving license for 2 years now, and know what? Has PANIC to driver her own car that costs her a lot, but then he DEMANDS me to get my own license and drive her to work, and to all places she needs (doesn't say so explicitly, but very subtly). She doesn't like that I spend time with friends, or even family (once I gave a little expensive birthday present to my brother, and she got upset and very jealous). All she talks about is she feels ugly, laughed off by people, and won't get driving her very our car, she even goes to the distant workplace by bus!!! and the car all the while is getting rotten in the garage!! I can't see why she behaves that way. I am making all efforts, reading a lot on dating subjects, etc, and try to apply advices but nothing works with this girlfriend. She gets also very uncomfortable when people around her ask her about our plans, her car, etc (people just CAN'T see why she won't drive her own car and then she would be able to get time together without the need to adapt to bus schedules and stuff).

I don't know how to proceed in our relationship. It's getting to the point where I think I will finally lose the will to compliment her, advice her, and work for her in any way. Because all I try she messes up, she just can't accept my help sometimes. She feels miserable and cries a lot. She told me she recognizes all my efforts and loves me a lot and would never leave me, and I think she's sincere, but then that's all words. When I try someting special, she gets like blocked and we can't finally do the things we've planned. Please help!!!

RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds like she has a lot of issues. The fact that she won't drive her own car is pretty telling. Find a therapist for her to talk to, to talk about her low self esteem and lack of trust in herself. This is something she needs to work out.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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