Jealous Over an Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am engaged to be married this summer. I have been with my fiance for just over 7 months. She has volunteered information about her past sexual experiences which are very mild in my opinion in terms of the number of partners and experience etc. I have not asked a lot of questions, because I know how those conversations go and what's the use really.

My issue is this: A week or so before we went out for the first time, she slept with one of her good friends and co-workers. She works part time at a bar. Even though this encounter had little meaning according to her, I cannot get it out of my head. One, she doesn't sleep around (lost her virginity at 22 and she is only 24. she has been with 3 other people and me) Two, she told me that they had sex twice and that both times they were drunk. ( She doesn't drink. In 7 months I have seen her drink more than 1 of anything never, and she told me that she had been drunk twice in her life.) Also, about two weeks after we started seeing each other, she went out for her birthday and wound up at her apartment with this guy and another girlfriend and they were there until 6am. She says nothing happened and that she was crazy about me then anyway. I found this out much later when I found out that she had slept with this guy. Keep in mind that all of this is totally out of charachter for her.

Every time she goes to work at the bar, or I go up there, or I hear this guys name, or I see him, I just start obsessing about the night of her birthday and that night she slept with him (which happens to be 1 year to the day of the rehearsal dinner for our wedding) and wondering what it was like. Stupid stuff, I know, but was he better, bigger, more exciting...etc. I'm laughing at myself somewhat just reading this, but I found out about this over 3 months ago and still cannot let it go. If I talk about these fears and concerns with her, I will not get the truth I feel, but just what she thinks I want to hear, so how do I move forward still wondering if I am falling short of some sexual experience she had that I can't live up to or surpass, and has she been totally honest with me? I have trust for her, but not to the extent that if something happened the night of her birthday after we started seeing each other that she would tell me about it knowing it would crush me. Should it matter? How can I know the real deal? I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. Advice
You need to get over this "new car" syndrome. All human beings have a past. All human beings make choices in life! It doesn't matter at all how many or how few guys she slept with in the past nor how bad or good they were. That was all in the past, that was what brought her to the point of meeting you. She is with you now. That is a voluntary choice.

You're not the most handsome guy she could have dated. You're not the richest guy. That's all ok! She chose you. If you are going to start doubting her or worrying about every other guy she was with or could be with, you are going to be miserable. I have a ton of advice on the site on how to deal with jealousy. You need to accept that she is the way she is, with you, and accept that she has a past, just like every human does.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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