The Zorro of Love

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I hear that for you to be successful with women you have to
A) Be a challenge to them
B) Be mysterious with them and to not let them figure you out so easily and
C) Be a confident person.

True or False. Which ever answer you give please give a detailed reason. Advice
This makes it sound like you need to be Zorro to get a girl, swooping in on a horse, dashing out again. While this might be great fodder for a Saturday matinee movie, those movies never get past the marriage scene. They don't show how badly those relationships end up.

A relationship isn't about dark mysteries and people who can't communicate. If anything, those are two ways to easily destroy any relationship. Dating is about finding a *best friend*, someone who will be there when your car breaks down, someone you can trust with your innermost secrets. You can hardly trust someone you don't know! And with all the challenges in life, do you really need your *partner* to be a challenge? That's why people *leave* relationships, because their partner is such a challenge to deal with!

It sounds like you've been getting information from someone who is reading romance novels. Those three items are about as opposite as you can get from what makes a relationship work. A real relationship is none of those things. It is about two REAL people sharing their real hearts and souls with each other. Your "soulmate" is not mysterious. She is not a "challenge". She is someone who you can look into her eyes and know clearly that she loves you and you love her. It's someone that, if something goes wrong, you TRUST her to be right there by your side, supporting you. It's someone who cheers when you do well and gives you a shoulder to cry on when something bad happens. And she has that same trust in you.

As far as confidence goes, most women are far more attracted to a man that is honest, treats them well and respects them than one who is arrogant and self-centered. They want someone they can trust, who is there for them no matter what. There are enough jerks out there in the world without actively seeking out one.

Love means that you accept each other just the way you are. If you can only date someone by pretending you're different and tricking her, that's a pretty shaky foundation that won't last long.

So the answer is be yourself. Be honest, be trustworthy, care for her. When she asks you something, tell her the answer. Because the only way she can learn to trust you is through experience, and if you show her you're going to be evasive, dishonest and a 'challenge' (and confident in your rudeness) then she's going to find someone else she CAN trust.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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