She Lies to Me - Should I Marry Her?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
It is four months until our wedding and I have suddenly lost all trust and faith in her. My fiance is a senior at college, and I graduated last summer. Over the weekend I went to meet up with family members, she declined stating her sister was flying in to see her. However a couple weeks the plans apparently changed with her sisters visit; however she still did not want to go with me.

I couldn't get ahold of her the night before my flight out. The next day on a layover she said she was up all night working in the lab on homework. I thought nothing of it, since she has said that often.

When I fly back into town she told me that she needed to talk. She stated that she wants to search for a job in different locations otherthan where we planned to reside. Next she said that she had driven 150 miles on the night she told me she had been in the lab to see one of her serious ex-boyfriends and spent the night with him before he flew out on an Army mission. She swears that they didn't have sex, but in the past when we started dating she had cheated on me with him. Nonetheless I feel like I was cheated on emotionally.

I don't think I can ever trust her again. I am in love with her and see myself having a life with her. Our history is so strong together and it feels as though we were meant to be. Is she having questions about the marriage or just punishing me for not including her more in the trip? But what do I do? Should I call the wedding off until I feel like I can trust her again? Just talk out the issues and go on with the wedding? Call it quits all together? Advice
No matter what kinds of feelings of doubt she might be having, for her to lie to you and to decide all on her own to change your future joint plans without even involving you is WRONG. If she is going to lie about an "innocent meeting" (if we assume this really was innocent) how can you possibly trust her to be honest about anything that might happen that is worse? It is a very clear signal that she is just not serious about your relationship - that she puts her own selfish needs first.

I really would put the wedding on hold and talk to her seriously about this with a third person - a therapist, minister, whoever you guys feel comfortable with. If you start scolding her about this she's going to get defensive and say "Oh yeah so what". If a third party makes it clear to her that this is really immature behavior, maybe she'll listen. Or maybe in the end she's really not ready for marriage because she is still too selfish. This would really be something good to know NOW, vs when you are legally tied to her.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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