She Abandons Me Nightly

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been with my girlfriend for over 7 years now and we have 3 beautiful children. About 3 years ago she was helping out a male friend of ours who was suffering from depression. She went out with him almost every night and when I asked her to cool off she threatened to throw me out. Everyone thought they were having an affair and I ended up feeling the same. She swore they werent.

After a couple of really creepy moments with this guy she stopped seeing him and about a week later I got letters through the post from this guy outlining where they had sex and how many times and he included letters that were in my girlfriends handwriting and manner of speech confirming this. I confronted her about it and she swore they were lies. I have tried to forget it and believe her but I can never get it out of my head.

Now she has started going out to her friends house every night and leaving me on my own. My mind is reeling and its like I am reliving the situation all over again even though her friend is female. She cant understand my feelings and whenever I try to talk to her she flies at me and tells me that if I cant live with it I should leave. Her arguement is that she has devoted the last 7 years to me and now she wants to have some fun. It has turned me into a grumpy and jealous person and whenever we talk we fight. I love her so much but I dont think I can put up with it much longer. I would leave for my own sanity but I cant leave my children! Please help me. Am I being unreasonalbe? Advice
Normally I really try to be trusting but it really is quite fishy here. It's fine to have male friends and to want to help them. But for her to abandon you nightly for this guy is unreasonable - why didn't she have him at your house? If there were letters in her handwriting and she still tries to deny that anything was going on, that seems even more blatant. And now she is running off again?

No relationship should ever involve someone saying "do it my way or get lost". That is NOT healthy. It doesn't matter, in a way, what has gone on in the last 7 years. For the last 7 years both of you were raising a family. You weren't off sleeping around with other people. There's no justification for her to go running off and say "deal with it or get lost".

We all want to have fun in our lives. That is part of living. Fun should never involve disrespecting your partner or abandoning him. Why can she only have fun by hurting you and abandoning you? That isn't right at all.

Sure, she wants to have fun. Why can't you guys hire a sitter and have fun together? Why can't her friend come to your house? Why are all of her ideas of fun involving abandoning her family? It sounds like she's having trouble dealing with her responsibilities and is making you out to be the bad guy in all of this.

If this were me I'd have an actual sit down with her AND with this guy and get all the details from the guy. Tell her that it's time for her to be completely honest here. If the guy recants and apologizes and says it was lies it will be one thing, but I doubt that's what will happen. If all she can do is lie, then it's time to ask HER to leave. There's nothing to say that a guy can't raise his kids.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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