I Want to Take a Break

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I'm having a problem with what i feel i like some one yet i have a boyfriend who i really love, I'm only 16 years old and im a junior i've been dating my boyfriend since freshmen year. I feel like i need a time out from our relationship, but not permanently. I just need time for myself to sort out my feelings and figure out what i really want. I'm still young i just want to make sure there are no what ifs and regrets in my life.

My boyfriend's not exactly a very great understanding person and i dont know how to explain to him that i just need to be alone for a while but i still want him later on in the future. I'm also afraid that if i break it off then there be a no 2nd chance for me but i want a 2nd chance. i just need to know if being in this relationship is really what i want.

I just need to know how to explain something like this to him and making him understand why im doing it? I know it's selfish but i cant keep torturing myself. I can't just stay in this relationship to make him happy but also me. I belive a relationship will never work out unless the both of you are happy.

and yes i'm happy its just that there are things in my life that i need to get straight first. I dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!! :(

RomanceClass.com Advice
There are several issues here. First, you're right, a relationship is about two happy people who want to make it work. But despite you saying that you're happy in this relationship, obviously you are NOT because you are wanting to take a break from it. If you were happy, you wouldn't be thinking about a break. Something is bugging you enough about the relationship that you want to take time to think about things. Things are OK, but could someone else be better? Would you rather be with someone else? All those sorts of questions don't spring up when a couple is madly in love. They spring up when there are issues.

Next, if you're going to wonder 'what if', then that is ALWAYS going to be the case. It's not like taking a 3 month break here is going to cure you of that. What if you meet a cute guy in that time period, should you date him just to see if he's better? If the 3 months go by and you don't meet any cute guys to consider dating, and then you get back with your boyfriend and THEN meet a cute guy, are you now going to think "I am not even curious"? Would you have to sleep with another guy to see if someone could be better in bed? The moment you start down the path of 'maybe my guy isn't good enough' there are ALWAYS guys that are better in one way or another. Just like there is always a girl that is sexier or richer or smarter or funnier. The point of being with someone is accepting that person with all their flaws and qualities and working with them. If you are going to keep hip-hopping from person to person, it doesn't end.

A relationship isn't about running away when things get tough. It's about working through them together. If you can't have your boyfriend at your side while you work through these issues, then maybe it's best to break up with him. It is REALLY unfair to "put him on hold" and say "maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't". If you were 100% sure you WERE coming back, then you wouldn't need a break! What would you be thinking about then? The whole point of you wanting a break is that you want to consider NOT being with him. And you don't want him around while you do that. But if you are already thinking of not being with him - and want to 'kick him out' to think about it, then in a way you're already giving up on the relationship. You just want it to be easier for you to 'ease out' if you do decide not to go back to him. You won't have to "break up" - you'll already be apart. And if things go badly in your "break up" then you just run back to him and say "ha ha I never really left, I was just thinking." So now he's a safety net while you consider other options. No human should ever be *used* like that.

The short answer is that only you can make the decision to stay and work on a relationship. If you feel that it might not be worth it to you, then break up and consider who might be better for you. If you are having issues then TALK TO HIM about them and try to work them out. That is what he is there for. If your problem is that you can NOT talk to him about issues, then that is serious. Either you fix that or your relationship can't really work.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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