The Spark has Faded - We Argue A Lot

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
my boyfriend and have been together for 7 years and have been through many ups and downs. Everything started beautifully and things have been going downhill ever since. We have 2 kids together and one that he has helped me raise from another relationship.

How can we stop the arguing so much, start loving and understanding each other more better? How can we get back the spark in our lives because Iam really staring to get frustrated? Advice
It's very common for people to begin to take each other for granted after a while. A healthy relationship takes a lot of work - it won't just happen. With all the stresses of work and family and life, sometimes we can forget to "make time for each other". All those books on relationships really aren't joking when they say to schedule in time for snuggles. It is critical that you make your own romantic life just as high a priority as other things you do.

I have a ton of advice on the site about how to keep the love alive. You really shouldn't be arguing at all, so start there. The next time he starts to argue, just deflect it and say you can talk about it later. Make sure of course that YOU do not argue! Make a vow with yourself not to start any argument for a whole week. If you get upset, just take a deep breath and work around the problem. Deflect his arguments. See how the week goes.

Then find a CONSTRUCTIVE way to address just one problem you have. If you both hate to vacuum, save up and buy a Roomba. Tell him happily that you have solved your vacuuming issue in a way you both will like. If you find one issue each week to solve, and try to involve him in your solving, then you will both see progress being made and things will get better.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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