My Partner has Many Issues

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I'm 35 year old woman who had been dating a 24 year old woman. The first 9 months was very casual and I was reluctant to commit because I was not ready, interested, and leary of the age gap. When we met her mother recently died of Cancer-important point. But we became really good friends and had a lot of fun together, we accepted each other, we had great sex, she was very persistant and sweet and eventually I fell in love with her and she with me-it was great.

About 10-11 months into the relationship she was raped by a man she knew at work. 3-4 months later we were to move in together, she did and then moved out after a month. Said she is angry, needs space, and is messed up. We broke up, its been about 1 1/2 months now. I rarely talk with her, but when I do I initiate it. She has told me recently that she's starting to feel better about her life and "us", but its hard to be around me, she has suggested counseling, she says that when she is around me she wants me, but can't be with me, she says I'm beautiful. I'm all for it, but everytime she says she will call me to talk or hang out she doesn't. She's never said sorry.

I'm really hurt and confused. I don't know if I should move on or how. I don't know if I should just be patient with her and leave her alone-trusting that if there was anything real between us in time it will be revealed. I guess I don't know if because of the grief/rape that it is normal for some people to walk away from the people closest to them or maybe she just lost interest and wants to move on and can't tell me.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you Advice
It sounds like you guys had a really wonderful relationship and that it was this rape that really bothered her. I know women who took years to get over a rape so I wouldn't take it personally at all if I were you. She is coming around, showing interest in you, talking to a therapist and trying to work on this.

I would really give her a chance. Be there, don't pressure her but be available. It sounds like she is moving forward and wants you there in her life, and that she is on her way to coming back to you.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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